Obituary for a Fake Ballplayer

Beloved ballplayer Billy Clarke has died.

Clarke passed earlier this week from an all-consuming malaise. In spite of his slow, almost mocking descent into non-existence, the very end was said to be a shock to those near to him. This raises the possibility that Mr. Clarke was actually killed in an auto-crash pyre, or perhaps murdered by a desperate criminal. Upon reflection, the cause of his death scarcely matters.

His young son, now fatherless and forever arrested in so many ways, thought, upon seeing the body of his father, that he looked at once as though he were asleep but also hopelessly beyond the reach of anything like sleep. Years later, while drinking alone in the dark, he will utter to no one, least of all himself, “There was nothing peaceful about my father’s body.”

Mr. Clarke leaves behind a wife. She is comely enough to remarry, but she will be reduced to a mate she never would’ve considered in an earlier, childless state. Mr. Clarke also leaves behind a daughter. You can imagine how things will go for her.

It should be noted that, despite a practiced image to the contrary, Mr. Clarke was not a religious man. If his booming pastor is right about that which he booms on Sundays, then Mr. Clarke is not now at rest and never shall be. Or it’s possible that, at the moment of Mr. Clarke’s passing from relentless disease or something less permissive of absurd, at-marathon-length goodbyes as terminal as his final slaughter, the lights simply went out. Others will remember him until they have to go to the store, but Mr. Clarke? Given his current station, Mr. Clarke might as well have been a stone for all these dumb years.

In his playing days, Mr. Clarke brought illusions of joy to a narrowly defined segment of those who watched him. Some of those are long-dead central bankers or union machinists. One of those died weeping so ferociously that he continued weeping for several seconds after his physical death, which was owing to cancer or falling ice.

Mr. Clarke enjoyed nothing that didn’t distract him from other things he failed to enjoy. His favorite hobby was staring vacantly at something he needed to take care of at some point. He was more respected than respectable.

The cold avenues of his city are astream with mourners. Or perhaps they are people going to work or lunch. A local funeral home — an ugly, low-slung building surely not up to code — will be the staging point for whatever it is we’re going to do next. His awful pastor will say things with a strange degree of curricular regimentation. On pain of ridicule, some will believe him. Outside, the red lights of those cold avenues will be turned to a salmon color by the fog and mist. Or perhaps it will be sunny, being that this is not a movie.

Mr. Billy Clarke played baseball. He is now dead. He leaves behind remnant urges and other people who themselves will die soon enough.




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


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Robert J. Baumann
Member
Member
3 years 11 months ago

Dayn Perry has reached new depths.

Kyle
Member
3 years 11 months ago

Goddammit, seriously.

dp
Guest
dp
3 years 11 months ago

Nature’s Gentleman™ is also its searingly honest eulogist.

bowie
Member
bowie
3 years 11 months ago

here come the water works!

Brian
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Brian
3 years 11 months ago

Wow.

UglyDickshot39
Guest
UglyDickshot39
3 years 11 months ago

His runny ham loins were a result, not the cause.

MustBunique
Member
Member
3 years 11 months ago

Dude…

Matthew Kory
Member
3 years 11 months ago

Mr. Perry, you, likely against your wishes, are wonderful.

DD
Guest
DD
3 years 11 months ago

So when is Dayn Perry writing the next Wes Anderson screenplay?

PrettyRicky
Member
PrettyRicky
3 years 11 months ago

Dayn Perry: Gentleman Obituary Writer.

nu billy baroooo?!
Guest
nu billy baroooo?!
3 years 11 months ago

worst notgraphs piece. ever.

nu billy baroooo?!
Guest
nu billy baroooo?!
3 years 11 months ago

at least since you plagariazed that Jack Cracker video… oh, wait… that video wad AWESOME and should be embedded in every Notgraphs article to make amends for the above piece of Dreckk!

Naked Mole Gaetti
Member
3 years 11 months ago

Less ink will be spilled on my behalf, and justly so. Billy Clarke. Billy Clarke.

John
Guest
John
3 years 11 months ago

He was a good, fake man.

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