(Not Quite) Daily Dotes: Diagnoses for March 26

Table of Contents

Here’s the table of contents for today’s edition of (Not Quite) Daily Dotes, in which several situations are misdiagnosed, using the definition of “dote”:

3. A piece of folly. . . . Obs.

1. Diagnosed: Carlos Gomez
2. Diagnosed: Chipper Jones
3. Diagnosed: Ozzie Guillen

Diagnosed: Carlos Gomez

White stool was the first indication of larger problems for Gomez.

Milwaukee Brewers OF Carlos Gomez has been diagnosed (by me) with hepatitis. I first suspected a problem when I saw what appeared to be white stool beneath his hovering buttocks in the on-deck area. Mayo Clinic’s e-pinion should be enough support here. Science is on my side. Let the bloodletting begin!

Big hat tip to NoahJ at BrewCrew Ball for this one.

Diagnosed: Chipper Jones

You are probably aware that future HoFer Chipper Jones has dealt with chronic knee problems the last several years, and this spring has been no different. But based on the photo above, I’ve diagnosed Chipper with an issue entirely non-meniscus based. Observe the image detail:

That’s right, Chipper Jones has kitty acne. It’s probably from the new plastic food and water dishes in the Braves’ clubhouse.

Diagnosed: Ozzie Guillen

Using the advanced psychoanalysis tool known as Twitter, I have diagnosed Ozzie Guillen with a case of hominis contundito, or, The Man Crush. Dig:

Ozzie wants to know (a) how an angel like Kevin Millar can possibly exist on this dung-based planet, (b) if he (Ozzie) is or can [please please please] be related to Kevin Millar. Ozzie does appear to be genuinely confused about the relationship between himself and Millar, calling him “son” and “bro” in the same “sentence.”

Additional evidence of said hominis contundito:

Mucho Millar tweets.

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Goddammit, I think I might have hepatitis as well.