Other Crimes to Which Delmon Young Pleads Guilty

The reader will likely have heard by now that free agent Delmon Young pleaded guilty Wednesday to aggravated harassment stemming from an April incident which included the former Tiger and Twin and Ray yelling anti-Semitic remarks outside a New York City hotel (which, if you’re going to do it, is pretty much the place to go around yelling anti-Semitic remarks).

What readers might not know, however, is that Young utilized his court appearance on Wednesday to clear his conscience on some other matters, too — transgressions less of the legal, and more of the moral, variety.

On His O-Swing%: “People always said think outside the box — which, it’s recently come to my attention that box and strike zone aren’t synonymous in this case. That’s on me. That’s Delmon Young’s bad.”

On Dancing Like Someone Actually Is Watching: “I did it. Not proud of it. And, listen, it wasn’t just a regular person I imagined was watching, but someone really judgy and named, like, Craig or something like Craig. That was tough. Real tough.”

On Deferring Dreams: “It just sags like a heavy load, I think I’ve proven is more or less the answer to Langston Hughes’s question.”

On His Irksome Mustache: “There’s only one John Waters. I get that now. I was frontin’. I forgot that age-old dictum: ‘don’t front.’ It’s age-old for a reason, right?”

On Giving People False Hope: “Prometheus gave humans false hope. I did the same thing. I was a big-time, can’t-miss prospect. And I missed. Like, pretty hard.”




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Carson Cistulli has just published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.


14 Responses to “Other Crimes to Which Delmon Young Pleads Guilty”

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  1. Dan says:

    On throwing a baseball straight into the ground from left field: http://i.minus.com/iKrkARbF1wiyC.gif

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  2. AdamM says:

    I’ll sell you his rookie card for $1

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  3. Donatello says:

    Heroes in a half-shell!

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  4. Erik Archer says:

    Any truth to the rumor that Delmon Young hankers for a hunk of cheese?

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  5. deadhead says:

    I didn’t realize Delmon was a fan of “hard sci-fi”. His thoughts on Prometheus have uncovered his nerdy, little secret.

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    • Mr. Observant says:

      Are you the real Deadhead? No mentions of consanguinity vis a vis sodomy? No suggestions of cognac imbibed during acts of beastiality and unsavory endings to coitis with a facial flourish? For shame – but great would-be Aliens movie ref.

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  6. Nu? billy bar oooo says:

    yelling anti-Semitic remarks outside a New York City hotel (which, if you’re going to do it, is pretty much the place to go around yelling anti-Semitic remarks).

    Really clever bigoted observation. Pathetic.

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    • Mr. Observant says:

      Yeesh, Billy – lighten you and don’t be a meshugalah. Remember the wisdom of our fathers — Mishna, Aboth 1.2 — “The world stands on three things: on Torah, on worship and on acts of kindness.”

      You might also add sarcasm or ironic humor at which Carson excels.

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