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Other Crimes to Which Delmon Young Pleads Guilty

The reader will likely have heard by now that free agent Delmon Young pleaded guilty Wednesday to aggravated harassment stemming from an April incident which included the former Tiger and Twin and Ray yelling anti-Semitic remarks outside a New York City hotel (which, if you’re going to do it, is pretty much the place to go around yelling anti-Semitic remarks).

What readers might not know, however, is that Young utilized his court appearance on Wednesday to clear his conscience on some other matters, too — transgressions less of the legal, and more of the moral, variety.

On His O-Swing%: “People always said think outside the box — which, it’s recently come to my attention that box and strike zone aren’t synonymous in this case. That’s on me. That’s Delmon Young’s bad.”

On Dancing Like Someone Actually Is Watching: “I did it. Not proud of it. And, listen, it wasn’t just a regular person I imagined was watching, but someone really judgy and named, like, Craig or something like Craig. That was tough. Real tough.”

On Deferring Dreams: “It just sags like a heavy load, I think I’ve proven is more or less the answer to Langston Hughes’s question.”

On His Irksome Mustache: “There’s only one John Waters. I get that now. I was frontin’. I forgot that age-old dictum: ‘don’t front.’ It’s age-old for a reason, right?”

On Giving People False Hope: “Prometheus gave humans false hope. I did the same thing. I was a big-time, can’t-miss prospect. And I missed. Like, pretty hard.”