Other Grandpa Sayings Scott Boras Can Use

crasnicktweet

The above tweet is from Jerry Crasnick, and is a quote from superagent Scott Boras.

While one can’t help but appreciate Mr. Boras’ savoir faire, this line is totally something my grandpa, or perhaps your grandpa, would say.

If Mr. Boras is reading this — and since he most certainly has a Google alert set up for himself, I assume he is — I offer him some other Grandpaish sayings to use whenever he feels the need arise:

Regarding the household: A Happy Wife is a Happy Life

Regarding productivity: There’s No Substitution for Elbow Grease

Regarding bathroom etiquette during water shortages: If it’s Yellow, Let it Mellow. If it’s Brown, Flush it Down.

Regarding platonic relationships: You Can Pick Your Friends, and You Can Pick Your Nose, but You Can’t Pick Your Friend’s Nose

Regarding arguing tactics: Don’t Pee on My Leg and Tell Me It’s Raining

Regarding for whom one should root: My Favorite Team is the [local team] and Whoever is Playing the [most direct rival to said local team]

Regarding choosing a sexual partner: You Don’t Stare at the Hearth When You’re Poking at the Fire

Regarding the Chinese: *removed by administrator*

Regarding an appropriate time to consume alcohol: It’s Noon Somewhere

Regarding the usefulness of a thing: That’s Slicker than Snot on a Doorknob




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David G. Temple is the Managing Editor of TechGraphs and a contributor to FanGraphs, NotGraphs and The Hardball Times. He hosts the award-eligible podcast Stealing Home. Dayn Perry once called him a "Bible Made of Lasers." Follow him on Twitter @davidgtemple.


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CurtisStarkeyFan4Life
Guest
CurtisStarkeyFan4Life
3 years 8 months ago

Regarding letting others get the best of you: They can’t get to your goat, if you don’t show’em where it’s tied.

boss
Guest
boss
3 years 8 months ago

regarding the state of America’s education system and climate change: in my day we had to walk 10 miles to and from school, in 3 feet of snow, uphill, both ways

Danny Knobgobbler
Guest
Danny Knobgobbler
3 years 8 months ago

I thought plutonic relationships were Sullivan’s domain?

steex
Guest
steex
3 years 8 months ago

Plutonic relationships are out of this world!

LTG
Guest
LTG
3 years 8 months ago

I’m guessing the point here is that ‘plutonic’ should read ‘platonic’ as in how Plato thought lovers should interact, namely, without sex. Plutonic relationships are probably the realm of McBain: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GO0JaecRWy0

Greg W
Guest
3 years 8 months ago

Regarding making the best of an unfavourable outcome:

Better than a kick in the ass with a frozen boot.

Jay
Guest
Jay
3 years 8 months ago

Or as my Grandma used to say, “better late than pregnant.”

steex
Guest
steex
3 years 8 months ago

Regarding a lack of belief in oneself to finish a challenge: “It’d be like an expert knot tier quitting a knot-tying contest right in the middle of tying a knot.”

MikeS
Guest
MikeS
3 years 8 months ago

Regarding pointless things: That’s about as useful as teats on a boar hog.

Bryz
Guest
3 years 8 months ago

Regarding the speed one moves: “Slower than molasses in January.”

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
Guest
Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
3 years 8 months ago

“Sometimes you have to pee in the wind just to know where to pee next time.”

Samuel
Guest
Samuel
3 years 8 months ago

“There is no crying in baseball.”

Bryz
Guest
3 years 8 months ago

Regarding an injury to a body part other than one’s leg: “Aw, walk it off!”

LW
Guest
LW
3 years 8 months ago

The judges also will accept “Rub some dirt on it.”

LTG
Guest
LTG
3 years 8 months ago

I’m pretty sure I was told to “walk off” leg injuries most of all.

beavis
Guest
beavis
3 years 8 months ago

Regarding January and February: “It’s colder than the witch’s tit.”

Cidron
Member
Cidron
3 years 8 months ago

…. in a brass bra

beavis
Guest
beavis
3 years 8 months ago

Regarding July and August: “It’s hotter than a 2-peckered billy goat.”

Antonio bananas
Guest
Antonio bananas
3 years 8 months ago

Why is that hot?

Cidron
Member
Cidron
3 years 8 months ago

google search it… look at the images !

Antonio bananas
Guest
Antonio bananas
3 years 8 months ago

If he had said “regarding seeing Beyonce in a bikini: “hotter than a two-puckered billy goat” then I’d be disturbed.

blindbuddysirraf
Member
blindbuddysirraf
3 years 8 months ago

Wish in one hand, and shit in the other, and tell me which fills up first

Antonio bananas
Guest
Antonio bananas
3 years 8 months ago

When Bourn signs for 2/20: better oatmeal than no meal

Antonio bananas
Guest
Antonio bananas
3 years 8 months ago

Regarding his eye sight: I’m blind in one eye, can’t see out the other
Why whoever he was negotiating with didn’t sign his client: communists
How to deal with Bryce Harper wearing eye black: whoop his ass
Shin Soo Choo’s race: chinaman

Gary Ward
Guest
Gary Ward
3 years 8 months ago

Regarding being efficient. “Im killing two birds with one stone”

Philip J. Fry
Guest
Philip J. Fry
3 years 8 months ago

Regarding difficulty fitting into or through something “It’s tighter than a bulls’ ass in huckleberry season”.

Everyone's Grandpa
Guest
Everyone's Grandpa
3 years 8 months ago

Well, how about that?!

Damaso's Burnt Shirt
Guest
Damaso's Burnt Shirt
3 years 8 months ago

I can’t sign megadeals like I used to, but I have my ways. One trick is to tell GMs stories that don’t go anywhere – like the time I caught the plane to Shelbyville. They needed a new OFer for their team, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time.

Dayton Moore
Guest
Dayton Moore
3 years 8 months ago

Fine. You can be my bodyguard and baseball player.

Ben
Guest
Ben
3 years 8 months ago

Nice Simpsons reference.

KCDaveInLA
Guest
KCDaveInLA
3 years 8 months ago

I’m in LOVE!…No, it’s a stroke.

KCDaveInLA
Guest
KCDaveInLA
3 years 8 months ago

On abrupt exits: “Up and took off like a fart in the wind.”

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