Introducing the Dayn Perry Message Notification

In almost every case, cell phone alerts are at best an annoyance and at worst punch-provoking. We civil folk have pretty much come to terms with the fact that a cell phone should stay on vibrate.

But there are rare instances in which an audible alert is necessary — text messages from Ronald Reagan’s ghost, emails concerning which minority you’ve recently offended, weather notifications keeping you abreast when a tornado is about to upend the home of a former employer, and Google alerts for “Cheryl Tiegs Hacksaw Jim Duggan Sex Tape” are some examples.

In situations such as these, I suggest an audible message notification. Sure, you could use a standard boo doop or ding ding like a common dirt-person. But why buy the cow when you can mix your metaphors for free?

In the spirit of FanGraphs: The Ringtone, it is my pleasure to introduce The Dayn Perry Message Notification. I can’t say for sure when you should use it, but if you really need my help finding the proper situation, you probably shouldn’t use it at all.

Download at will.


The Family Crests of the League’s Pitching WAR Leaders

Germany

It has recently come to the attention of the present author that the coat of arms of Germany — in which country that author presently finds himself and which coat of arms appears, hauntingly, to the right of these words — is a menacing ur-eagle of such a type as one might only expect to find in the dark recesses of a nightmare.

That revelation, while significant, has little bearing on the Pastime which has compelled us all to congregate at this particular corner of the internet. With a view, then, towards wrestling some relevance from this personal epiphany, what I’ve resolved to do is to identify the coats of arms typically associated with the family names of the league’s top pitchers, according to WAR. What I’ve resolved to do after that is conduct my affairs like someone who is afraid both of himself and the world.

Read the rest of this entry »


The Best of FanGraphs, June 29-July 3, 2015

Each week, we publish north of 100 posts on our various blogs. With this post, we hope to highlight 10 to 15 of them. You can read more on it here. The links below are color coded — green for FanGraphs, brown for RotoGraphs, purple for NotGraphs, dark red for The Hardball Times and blue for Community.

 

Monday

A-Rod’s Miraculous Comeback

It’s not just BABIP-driven. He really is hitting like a .600 hitter.

Catchers: Can’t Live Without Them, But They’re All Dead

Is it new helmets? Is it new balls? Is it a new Plague? We’ll never know, but Carlos Santana is counting his lucky stars that he got moved out from behind the plate!

Stick A Fork In Ben Zobrist

A look at the new cannibalistic fantasy leagues taking over Ottoneu.

Tuesday

David Price: Remind Us How He Became an Astro…?

After sixteen trades over the past twelve months, David Price takes a turn at the top of the Astros’ rotation.

Can You Find The New Stat Somewhere On Our Player Pages?

When you do, please explain it to us. We’re not sure how it works.

Okay, Mike Moustakas, I’m Finally Starting to Get Convinced You Are Not That Great at Hitting

.091/.121/.262 since last year’s All-Star Break. Well, okay, maybe let’s give him a few more weeks.

Which Starters Haven’t Had Tommy John Surgery?

None of them. None of them.

How Many Hairs Are in the Average Mustache, and is it Different for Hitters than Pitchers?

A six-month research study funded entirely by reader contributions, both financial and bodily.

Wednesday

The WAR in Iraq

Investigating our country’s achievements-above-replacement-militia in the latest Middle East conflict.

A Retrospective Analysis of High School Ballplayers, 1881-1885

Long, but worth the read.

Did the President’s Announcement that the World is Ending Affect the West Coast Games?

Shutout and 14K for Kershaw. So I think we’re doing fine. Although this does explain the whole catcher situation, we think.

Thursday

How Should ZIPS Treat What We Assume Will Be A Partial Season?

If the world’s going to end, we assume play will stop for the year. Will your favorite projection formula be able to accurately assess the impact?

Can you Justify Playing Fantasy Baseball Even as the World Ends?

In a follow-up to yesterday’s Presidential announcement heralding the end of life on Earth for 85% of all species including humans, can you justify taking the time to play fantasy baseball? Or is it in fact even more important at a time like this?

Batflips and Apocalypses

Pictures of players flipping their bats into the circles of flames that will apparently devour us all quite soon.

Friday

George Springer on Home Runs, Strikeouts, and the Future of the Astros

We already had this is the queue, so we didn’t think it made sense to pull it. (Editor’s note: yes, we realize the future of the Astros is now very much in doubt.)

The Rising Cost of Tickets During a Time of Anarchy, by Wendy Thurm

At this point, conditions have started to deteriorate and the government has abdicated responsibility. Should you still trust online ticket brokers?

Your Dream Co-Owners in the Afterlife

We asked our RotoGraphs writers to weigh in on who they’ll be asking to join their leagues as soon as we all arrive on the other side.

Stick A Fork In Ben Zobrist

For real this time. There is no food left.

A-Rod’s Miraculous Heroism

Thank you for stopping the meteor, Alex. Thank you for saving us. Thank you for saving us all.


Pregger’s Curse

GIF Pregger's Curse sm

        Son,
    It’s not true that babies ruin
    everything — but they do.
    And so I render this distemper:
    my expectation of remuneration.

    I missed a chance at ballpark greatness,
    a glorious battle for ball control wasted
    as your mother’s face turned faceless
    and her stomach strength proved faithless.

    So the next time Longo hits a bombo,
    and I’ve the fortune to be a bleacher creature,
    know full well: I expect that you
    will clamber for that ball with me too.

Read the rest of this entry »


A’s Get Pitcher at Dollar General, Sweep Series

dollar_general__ext

Update: The new Oakland A’s shortstop, known to teammates as Kit, has just led off the game with a towering, 460-foot home run to left-center field.

Story first posted at 1:30 p.m. EST

OAKLAND – In a highly publicized move last week, the first-place A’s picked up left-handed starter Brad Mills from the Brewers for the sum of $1. The result: a 4-3 Oakland win. On the heels of that economic success, A’s GM Billy Beane journeyed to an Oakland-area Dollar General this week and purchased right-hander Gertrude Polankovich, a 72-year-old Alameda housewife who enjoys unfiltered cigarettes and short walks in the park.

The result: Not only did Polankovich start each of Oakland’s two games in its short series against the Mets, the grandmother of eight won each in shutout fashion, including Tuesday’s one-hitter and Wednesday’s three-hit effort.

Said Polankovich after Wednesday’s 2-0 win: “Having pitched nine high-leverage innings the previous day, I did find myself tiring in the seventh. Keep in mind that I suffer rheumatoid arthritis and sciatica, and also that I smoke unfiltered. But after giving up a pair of bloopers and an infield chopper, I bore down and made the pitches I needed to make. It felt really good to blow that 96 mph two-seamer past ol’ what’s-his-name with the bases loaded, even though I had to miss back-to-back episodes of Murder, She Wrote. Did Jessica catch the killers? I’m guessing she caught the killers.
Read the rest of this entry »


GIF: Believe What Happened

Clickbait headlines usually say something to the effect of “You won’t believe what happens next!” This headline, my headline, commands you to believe what happened on Monday. Chelsea Baker, high school pitcher, knuckled into the Rays batting practice:

Knuckletown

Yes. She is a 17-year-old throwing batting practice, making All-Star Hitters look silly. I would say 17-year-old me is jealous, but 27-year-old me — as well as all my other outside-of-time iterations — are even more jealous.


Great Moments in Congressional Baseball History

brooks_sumner

Yesterday the Democrats prevailed over the Republicans, 15-6, in the annual Congressional Baseball Game. Here at the NotGraphs History Desk, in a comedic gambit best described as “desperate,” we were inspired to take a look back at some of the most memorable moments from CBG’s over the years.

1850: In a contest which pitted Democrats against the upstart Whigs, lanky southpaw Henry Clay soon proved so dominant that Democrat fans began leaving the ballpark in droves. In an impromptu and unprecedented move, the managers for the two sides put their heads together and came up with a solution: instead of needing just one strike for an out, Clay would be forced to record three. The Whigs won anyway, in a thrilling 9-8 walkoff, but the successful rule change would go down in history as the “Compromise of 1850.”

Read the rest of this entry »


Mr. President? We Have Dave Cameron on the Line

presidentplane

Mr. President? We have Dave Cameron on the line.

“Mr. Cameron. How are we today?”

“Good morning, Mr. President. I’m fine, sir. Thanks for asking.” Read the rest of this entry »


Things My Eight-Month-Old Son Was Thinking During Tim Lincecum’s No-Hitter

“I bet there’s something good on TV. Maybe if I make enough noise during this so-called nap, my daddy will get me out of the crib, take me into the living room, and turn on the television to watch a baseball game thinking my eyes are closed and I can’t see it.”

“Looking at the wall is really interesting. I can’t imagine anything would be more interesting, including the second no-hitter against the Padres thrown by Tim Lincecum.”

“Tim… hmmmm… I wonder if he’s related to my stuffed monkey, Thelonious, since both of their names start with that shape with the one up-and-down line and then the other side-to-side line on top of it. I also wonder why mommy and daddy named my monkey Thelonious even though they don’t really listen to any jazz music. I wonder if I’d like jazz. I think I would.”

“This is weird for a west coast baseball game to start in the evening, before I get ready for bed. West coast baseball games usually start so early in the morning, before I’ve even woken up for my first of three feeds while it’s still dark outside. What? You call 10pm the nighttime and not the morning? That’s silly, everyone knows nighttime is from 7pm until 10pm, and everything after that is daytime and mommy and daddy are lucky if I still decide to sleep.”

“The Giants, wow. They are giants, indeed. They’re even taller than mommy and daddy, and mommy and daddy are even taller than Curious George, so they’re definitely giants. I didn’t even know people came in sizes bigger than, say, five-foot-nine or so. I don’t know if I’ve ever met anyone taller than five-foot-nine!”

“I bet I could get a hit off Tim Lincecum. Hitting a baseball is just like putting your toes in your mouth, right? Because I’m really good at that.”

“I can’t believe he’s throwing so many fastballs. Everyone knows Will Venable is more vulnerable to the curveball.”

“I wonder what the infield dirt tastes like.”


MiLB.TV Feed Doubles as Helpful Traffic Webcam

Almost notable prospects Stephen Landazuri and Dario Pizzano played for the Double-A Jackson Generals today, the latter recording his fifth home run in just over 100 plate appearances for that Mariners affiliate (box).

Of perhaps even greater interest, however — at least to anyone who finds himself compelled to drive along I-40 outside of Jackson, Tennessee — is that the Generals MiLB.TV feed also serves as an entirely useful traffic webcam for that same stretch of American freeway.

The author can report with some certainty, for example — owing to the GIF embedded here — that at 1:05pm ET today traffic was running smoothly along the aforementioned highway. As for the conditions on that same interstate at the moment, this is a different questions.