Pam Is Having a Realization


Pam should have never taken the trip to Houston.

No more than four hours ago, Pam was leading what she thought to be a happy, fulfilling life. Did she grow up wanting to be a receptionist at a realty office? No. But she made the best of it. And sure, her husband isn’t much of a looker, but he’s a sweet man and gave her two beautiful children. Of course she would like Tiffany to pump the brakes a little when it comes to boys, and Tyler’s ADHD is starting to really become an issue, but she’s fairly confident her kids won’t grow up to be criminals or musicians or anything like that. When put into perspective, Pam figured she ended up with a nice life.

That was until about 30 seconds ago. Thirty seconds ago, Pam was excited. She was about to see Yu Darvish pitch a perfect game for her Texas Rangers. He was only one out away, and the Astros weren’t even coming close to getting a hit so far. Pam didn’t know how many perfect games had been pitched in history, but it had to be pretty low. Less than 100, right?  No matter, Pam was about to witness history. She was already thinking about how she would explain what happened to everyone in the office and her book club. She was crafting the narrative in her head. People would be hanging on her every word. For once, Pam would be the coolest person in the room.

And then some Godless fuckface named Marwin Gonzalez went and ruined everything.

Why did Pam even care about this in the first place? So she would’ve seen a perfect game. Big deal. She still has to go home, pay that slut of a babysitter, feed the dogs because Tyler certainly forgot because Tyler always forgets, then go upstairs and try to fall asleep before her fatass husband because his undiagnosed sleep apnea causes him to snore so loudly she’s left awake half the night. All that work so she can wake up, drive he broken-down Taurus to her shit job so she can scrape together enough money to send Tiffany to what will most certainly be some sort of state college.

Yu Darvish pitching a perfect game means nothing. Him not pitching a perfect game means exactly the same amount of nothing. In the end, she will be dead. Mourned by few, remembered by none. And nothing can change that now. Not a perfect game, or this stupid fucking shirt, or the new cooking class she started, or the comments her boss made about promoting her to Assistant Title Examiner. There are no little victories in life, there’s only ultimate defeat. And everyone, EVERYONE gets defeated.

Pam is realizing all of this right … now.


Pam hates Marwin Gonzalez.

Pam should have never taken the trip to Houston.

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David G. Temple is the Managing Editor of TechGraphs and a contributor to FanGraphs, NotGraphs and The Hardball Times. He hosts the award-eligible podcast Stealing Home. Dayn Perry once called him a "Bible Made of Lasers." Follow him on Twitter @davidgtemple.

20 Responses to “Pam Is Having a Realization”

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  1. Fill-up says:

    I really hope there’s more of these coming, especially something involving the bat-welding old guy from the Jays game.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Oh, Beepy. says:

      The bat-wielding guy at the Jays opener was the owner of Barbarien’s steakhouse. A place millionaires like to eat. He is the man, but then; he was the man before he threatened Jason Kipnis with a baseball bat.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Bobby Higginson says:

    This was great

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. Resolution says:

    It would be cool to somehow add a reverse of the gif and shorten it that way we can see the reflections on the back of the seats switching between light blue and yellow more frequently. It may be more suitable for displaying ‘Pam’s descent into madness’…

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  4. JeffSands says:

    you’re an asshole and not funny

    -5 Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. jcxy says:

    well done.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. Ronald Luece says:

    “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
    -1898, Barriers to Trans-dimensional travel

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. long time listener says:

    Way to shit all over a complete stranger for making the mistake of going to a baseball game and making a bit of a funny face. She’ll never make that mistake again. David G. Temple, do you want a Medal of Honor, or Medal of Freedom? Wait, how about both?

    -6 Vote -1 Vote +1

  8. carlos gonzales says:

    Baseball, like life, is cruel and unforgiving. there are a few winners and many losers. Pam did not win, but you’ll be remembered Pam, you’ll be remembered.

    P.S the rest of you better learn what satire and parody means.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  9. tylersnotes says:

    The critics don’t understand that we, all of us, are Pam. Even Marwin Gonzalez. Especially Marwin Gonzalez.

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  10. I thought she was wondering who names their kid ‘Marwin’? Not enough up and down strokes in Marvin? Had to throw an extra one on the birth certificate application papers?

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  11. Sociology Degreer says:

    I have to say I’m disappointed that the last gif is called ‘Pam Closeup’ rather than ‘I just Found Out My Life Is A Thinly Veiled Farce.’

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  12. Buford Greenstein says:

    Long Time Listener is Jeff Sands’ Mom?!

    What the #@$&?¿£¥?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  13. Pam says:

    Stay off my livejournal

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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