Partially-True Facts About Bryce Harper

1. Harper wears #34 in tribute to Rockies pitching coach Bob Apodaca.

2. Harper’s older brother, Bryan, is half-mermaid.

3. Harper has been featured on the covers of Sports Illustrated, Baseball Digest, The New Yorker, and Every Day With Rachael Ray.

4. In 2008, Harper was Batting Average Leader for the State of Israel.

5. Although Harper played catcher in high school, the Nationals drafted him as a pitching coach.

6. Harper is in the middle of a 5-year contract worth more than the gross national product of over 80 countries around the world.



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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


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dockmarm
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dockmarm

Bryce Harper goes to bat with a giant cigar, which he smokes after the game.

Succesful_Troll
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Succesful_Troll

At 36 inches in length and weighing in at 47 ounces, Bryce Harper swings the heaviest bat in all of MLB. However, in order to maintain positive feng-shui, he uses a 3 ounce batting donut, easily the lightest in the league.

Resolution
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Resolution

Bryan Harper’s younger brother Bryce, is full human.

Mario Mendoza of commenters
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Mario Mendoza of commenters

Are you sure that with his horse mane, he’s not just half Centaur (the human half?)

Andrew
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Andrew

A full portrait of Harper’s 800th HR is already hanging in the National Gallery.

Jack
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Jack

Upon reading the Sports Illustrated article describing Harper’s ability to play baseball, Osama Bin Laden, Moammar Gadhafi, and Kim Jong-Il held a summit to discuss the threat he could pose to them in the future. They (obviously) found no solution to the problem.

Grant
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Check out Bryce Harper Facts

BLahd
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BLahd

Bryce Harper’s mammoth hitting displays have inspired humans to new achievements, like the Colossus of Rhodes and the repeating rifle.

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