Paying for MLB.tv

The problem with being underemployed isn’t that I have to borrow money to pay rent, or buy store-brand Cheerios (Tasteeos! Heyo!), or the shame of seeing your peers thrive in their lucrative jobs with cars that don’t make loud popping sounds and roommates that bring their children to term. It’s that I can’t afford MLB.tv.

mlbtv

Raising $129.99 (because only Premium can be streamed on my roommate’s HDTV (through my roommate’s Roku)) can’t be that hard. As I sit on my roommate’s sectional using my girlfriend’s laptop, here are some ideas for how I can raise enough money to pay the bills get MLB.tv. These ideas, unlike everything else around me, are my own. For shame:

Sell My Body
Not for sex! Jeez! I’m not a manwhore. I’m not a sex-person. I’m not a coital-event-horizon. And I love my kidneys. They’re mine! NO TOUCHY! (Emperor’s New Groove reference!) But here’s what I will sell: my feces. That’s right! My precious, pungent stool is a prime specimen for transplantation into someone else’s butt to heal their GI woes. Fecal transplants are real. And my prospective recipient/baseball-enabler wouldn’t even need to bother about it being “safe” or “sterile” (it’s poop), they can just come on over and we’ll do it in my kitchen. 

Yard Work (W)
I’m a scientist, barely, and I know what work is: W=Fd. I’ll be generating tons of Newton-meters, or joules, in someone’s yard by moving things around. See that rake? I’ll put it over there, by the fern. Boom: joules. I’ll kick a rock until it rolls over. Boom: joules. I’ll move a barcalounger to a sunny spot on the front porch. Boom: joules. I’ll pick up a copy of Cosmo. Boom: joules. I’ll learn a sex tip. Boom: joules.

Make a Kickstarter with Tiered Donation Rewards as Follows:
$1: I send you a GIF of me blowing you a kiss.
$5: I send you a picture of me holding your name on a sign while being chased by an angry Albert Belle.
$25: You can come over and I’ll make you tacos and perform an uncomfortably intimate foot-washing ritual. While you eat tacos.
$50: I send you a pair of PINK-style sweatpants, except they’re blue and orange and say “I’m with Colon” on the butt with an arrow pointing downwards. They only make sense when you’re riding Bartolo Colon like a mechanical bull. Otherwise they’re kinda embarrassing.
$129.99: You get to watch Albert Belle ride Cistulli like a mechanical bull. While I make you tacos.



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Zach is an egregious malcontent whose life goal is to literally become the London Tube. @itszachreynolds.


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GoodEnoughForMe
Member
GoodEnoughForMe

Put me down for the $129.99 tier, sounds awesome.

Stinky Pete
Member
Stinky Pete

Oh. Hey. Lots of good jobs in Iowa. Yeah. You should move to Iowa. Then you could pay for MLB.TV.
Oh no! Then you’re blacked out of as many as 6 games a night. It’s almost as if you moved to Iowa for nothing.
#MLBTVHatesIowa

Craig
Guest
Craig

Step1: Do some light Googling

Step2: JailBreak an iOS device

Step 3: Your Iowa problem goes away

Rufus T. Firefly
Guest
Rufus T. Firefly

Craig:

Could you please expand on the above fix for those of us not in the know?

Thanks,
RTF

rustydude
Member
rustydude

I just moved out of Iowa. Can’t say I’ll miss all the blackouts. It’s pretty outrageous.

JtheExploder
Member
JtheExploder

Zach, your access to Belle is both alarming and convenient.
How much for him to drive me to the airport next Wednesday?

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman

Take the bus to the airport; you might Carl Weathers.

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman

I meant to use the verb “meet”, as in you might meet Carl Weathers, but feel free to imagine the verb of your choice.

CH Smoot
Guest
CH Smoot

I’ll try not to Anne Heche in public from now on.

jcxy
Guest
jcxy

outstanding reference.

Joey Belle
Guest
Joey Belle

My future is bright.

Z.....
Guest
Z.....

Its total BS that MLB.TV is so expensive. Way too many blackout games, and sometimes you have to deal with major lag and you miss the games you were trying to watch. I’m especially sick of the saturday blackouts b/c of fox…fox knows that you can only watch 1 of those games in your region right? Why would that make the other games, that arent accessible on their channel, blackedout? Thats incredibly dumb

DavidJ
Member
DavidJ

Time to finally sell that Gregg Jefferies rookie card! Gotta be worth 120 bucks by now, right?

pinch
Guest
pinch

man, the tasteeos reference got me. i empathize way more than i would without it, for i too know that peculiar brand of poverty (and breakfast cereal).

Zach Reynolds
Guest

Market Basket ftw!

Jenstrom
Guest
Jenstrom

Those “I’m with Colon” sweatpants are hilarious! And maybe you could do some chores for Albert Belle, or maybe he would share his mlb.tv account with you?

RonnyRocket
Guest
RonnyRocket

NotGraphs writers aren’t paid? Tell David Cameron and Jeff Sullivan to give up some gold from their money pit and just buy a pool.

TK
Guest
TK

129.99 seems high if only there was a way to cut that in half or even a third. If anyone has an idea how you can email me tkwondra@yahoo.com.

Oh, Beepy
Guest

Zach, you can split on the service with up to four other people online, reducing your cost to just over $25 dollars. At Somethingawful, bastion of the Internet, they have a giant thread in the marketplace where people arrange this very transaction en masse.

I expect an angry Albert Belle-sized thank you.

Nats Fan
Guest
Nats Fan

I was eating yogurt when I came across the fecal transplant section, you horse’s ass!

Angered NBA Fan
Guest
Angered NBA Fan

Dang…I paid about $130 for the NBA package in December…$130 for full season MLB package is pretty reasonable. That makes it no less affordable, but reasonable and a decent value compared to the NBA.

Dave P
Guest
Dave P

Oh my. I thought those bags below the cereal boxes were pet food.

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