Players Who Definitely Resembled Stalin: King Kelly

King Stalin

It’s perhaps fair, insofar as he died of pneumonia years before self-appointed “Gardener of Human Happiness” Joseph Stalin began his reign of terror over the USSR, it’s perhaps fair to say that it was Stalin who resembled very popular and successful ballplayer King Kelly. Even more appropriate is to use the remainder of this entirely brief post to make note of some compelling other truths about Kelly as stolen from his SABR biography.

Truths such as:

  • Referring to his father’s death, Kelly wrote that he (i.e. his father) “passed over to the great silent majority,” i.e. a conspicuously praiseworthy euphemism.
  • A teenaged and orphaned Kelly found employment at a real 19th century coal factory, where his job literally was to “carry a bucket of coal.”
  • Upon being dropped to the floor from a stretcher during the illness that would kill him days later, Kelly apparently announced, “This is my last slide.”

Kelly image from August 11, 1907, edition of the San Francisco Call.

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Carson Cistulli occasionally publishes spirited ejaculations at The New Enthusiast.

9 Responses to “Players Who Definitely Resembled Stalin: King Kelly”

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  1. KB says:

    Tzar Kelly?

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  2. BenRevereDoesSteroids says:

    It’s perhaps fair, insofar as he died of pneumonia years before self-appointed “Gardener of Human Happiness” Joseph Stalin…

    Or did he? A conspiracy over 100 years in the making. Joseph Stalin played 7 years with the Cubs.

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    • Pablo says:

      That would explain his motivation for killing 40 million people.

      +7 Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Totally Not Stalin says:


      Stalin would never be involved in such petty bourgeoisie activities as the act of hitting a round ball with a stick. No, as a young boy in Georgia, Stalin played proletarian baseball. In this sport, Stalin wielded his bat and beat white bears out of Russia in Great War. For this, we make him our glorious leader! So please do not sully the name of such great man as Stalin by comparing him to imperialist scum.

      Totally Not Stalin

      P.S. It would make more sense to say Stalin play for Red Stockings (haha, that joke come from Comrade Stalin himself).

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    • Michael says:

      Little known to history is that Stalin’s original “Five Year Plan” revolved around a singular bet on the outcome of a single World Series. He wagered the wealth of the Soviet Union on this. He thought safely he could be on his former team…

      Unfortunately having lived in Russia many years removed, he did not understand that the White Stockings he was betting on was a completely different team.

      Morale of the Story: 1919 was a bad year for Stalin.

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