What even are numbers? I definitely don’t know! That’s why I write for Notgraphs. But luckily Lord Google exists, and I can pray/search for the percent-chance an AL contender makes the playoffs, and then see what other events have or have had a simliar chance of occurring. This way we can ground the shameful ambiguity of numbers in concrete real-world occurrences. Away with the wishy-washy insipidity of numbers, whatever they are.
Tampa Bay Rays
Playoff Chance: ~64%
- Choose at random a human from the Rwandan Parliament. There is a 64% chance of that human being a woman. Good news for women and Rwanda!
- Hey Rays fans: Does your child have ADHD? Yes? Look a rabbit! If so, there’s a 64% chance it’s due to their diet. The Rays have the same chance of making–rabbit!?–the playoffs as you being a terrible parent who pumps your kids full of sulfites, salicylates, MSG, and omg a school bus!
- The percentage of people who read Notgraphs at work is probably about 64%. The rest read it at home, not wasting work time but instead neglecting their families.
Playoff Chance: 54.5%
- If you drink two or more cans of diet soda a day you have a 54.5% chance of becoming obese. Here’s a chunky way to support the Indians: Buy tons of Diet Squirt and chug two each day until the playoffs are decided. If you become obese in that interval and the Cleveland Indians make the playoffs, then you should feel really good about yourself! While also feeling really bad about your body.
- Hey Oldies: Bust out your records and let me know how much money you spent on clothing in 1972/1973. It’s likely you spent around $308 on clothes, and likely that you spent 54.5% of that on women’s clothing. Women! Always running Rwanda and spending money on clothes in the ’70′s.
- Choose any sovereign nation. There’s a 54.6% chance you picked a country beginning with the letter C, L, E, V, A, N, D, S, M, Y, or Z. Clevand’s my Z!
Playoff Chance: 48.4%
Sad fact: Poor people are worse off than not poors! If you’re a poor woman under 20 who uses the pill as a contraceptive you have a 48.4% chance of getting pregnant within a year. If you’re ever wondering if the Rangers will make the playoffs, also wonder if a poor under-20-year-old on the pill will get pregnant this year. The chance is equal. A human could be created and born into possibly trying circumstances, and your favorite sports team could have the opportunity to lose in the World Series again. They’re the same!
Playoff Chance: 17.2%
If you open an English language book to any page and select one letter on that page at random, there’s a 17.2% chance it is an A or a T.
If instead you were to select the first letter of a word on that page, there would be a 17.2% chance of it being O, R, I, N, or J. Orinj is how I spell orange. Because I am a free.
New York Yankees
Playoff Chance: 5.8%
5.8% is also the…
…approximate chance one of you forgets your keys on your way out the door.
…precise chance your front door is made of ash or poplar.
…chance that you will be served broccoli by your spouse for dinner and that you will audibly toot when Hiroki Kuroda strikes out the side, staining the olfactory glands of your entire family.
…percentage of first dates that have gone well after you present a Groupon to the waiter.
…chance that these facts are facts and not “facts.”
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