Poem to Ted Simmons’s Hair

I’m telling you, Simmons, those days!
Those days when we finally began turning away …

Your tresses plunged like the
Bellwether economic indicators of the day.
Like the necklines of those
Who tottered for your notice.

We shan’t survive these times, said wartime leaders!
We shan’t survive Ted Simmons
and his unmade-bed hair!
Sacco him before he Vanzetties us!

You, you catcher and framer, hitter and blocker!
Michigan man! Prince of quick wrists!
Needler of Herzogs! Merchant of dinnertime perils!
Tilter at windmills!
Tilter of pinball machines!
Holy bewitcher!

We were something, you and I! But mostly you …
We’d have made your hair the president if we could’ve.
But if elected it will not serve.
Which is the thing about things
Sourced from the womb of a Cumulonimbus.

That hair flows like beaded doorways granting wide berth to tall men!
It flows like riverine sperm heaven-bent on impregnating the 1950s!

As reliably as liquor drunkens,
So too do you!

O, feral wilding!
O, Simba!

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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.

5 Responses to “Poem to Ted Simmons’s Hair”

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  1. Quirmulous says:

    Pretty good syntax!

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  2. bowie says:

    I chuckle heartily at this poem

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  3. rambodiaz says:

    I don’t know anything about poetry or cumulonimbus wombs. But I know that this is poetry, and Ted Simmons hair must certainly be sourced from the womb of a cumulonimbus. The heavens declare it so.

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  4. mattybobo says:

    I know greatness when I see it, and this is great.

    Also, you can tell that Simmons was planning to impregnate the 1950s when that photo was taken. See the far-off look in his eyes, like his thoughts are in another time. Consider the wry smirk on his lips, as if he is recalling a private joke. His brow furrows ever so slightly, a mark of confident determination.

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  5. Mrs. Cistulli says:

    That’s really Big Time Timmy Jim in a fat suit, on a very special episode of Tyra’s show. Wherein he learns the perils of living as a non anorexic.

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