Poor Fundamentals Displayed by 1990 Upper Deck Cards

On behalf of the Upper Deck Company LLC, we at NotGraphs would like to apologize for the harmful influence of its 1990 edition of baseball cards. At a time when America was already enthralled by the siren songs of Wilson Phillips, and being told that King’s Quest V was a really good video game, our nation’s youth was already reeling on the edge of credulity. Then came these images, undoing three decades of helpful short films about how to act, groom, and play baseball, forever sealing off any hope of universal truth or beauty. One might protest that it was Crystal Pepsi that killed the last spark of resistance and laid an entire generation prostrate before the towering menace of American propaganda, and one may be correct. There are no simple answers. For now, we can only offer this meager apologia to the long-vacant souls of our generation.

Delinquent as this notice may be, we would like to offer the following corrections, in hopes that those affected might salvage a fraction of the lesser years of their lives.

This is not how to bat.

This is not how to pitch, or dress.

This is not how to make eye contact with that cute girl in your Psych 101 TA section.

This is not how to run.

This is not how to react to the misfortune of your friends.

This is not how to slide.
It is, however, how to react to someone sliding like this.

This is not how to roundhouse kick an ecoterrorist.

This is not how to react to the sight of your friend’s newborn.

Thank you, and again, we apologize for the inconvenience of your collective shattered existence.

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Patrick Dubuque writes for NotGraphs and The Hardball Times, and he served as former Bill Spaceman Lee Visiting Professor for Baseball Exploration at Pitchers & Poets. Follow him on Twitter @euqubud.

10 Responses to “Poor Fundamentals Displayed by 1990 Upper Deck Cards”

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  1. Bronnt says:

    Almost all of these, however, display proper mustaches.

    +13 Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. AC of DC says:

    I never played V — or any of them between 1 and 6 or any that came after if there were any that came after — but VI was damn tight, almost certainly making up for any shortcomings to be found in its predecessor. Now if you had pursued the works of two guys from Andromeda . . .

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. asdf says:

    Most of these guys were decent-good, which I did not expect

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  4. Stinky Pete says:

    Really enjoyed Crystal Pepsi. What?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. srpst23 says:

    I don’t know why, but Kal Daniels looks like a black Clint Hurdle to me.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. Andy McGaffigan says:

    That baby is quite breathtaking.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • E Benes says:

      Well, to tell you the truth, Dr. Feffa, I , I was surprised to hear you use a word like breathtaking to describe a baby, I mean, because you also used it referring to me.

      Vote -1 Vote +1