Poor Fundamentals Displayed by 1990 Upper Deck Cards

On behalf of the Upper Deck Company LLC, we at NotGraphs would like to apologize for the harmful influence of its 1990 edition of baseball cards. At a time when America was already enthralled by the siren songs of Wilson Phillips, and being told that King’s Quest V was a really good video game, our nation’s youth was already reeling on the edge of credulity. Then came these images, undoing three decades of helpful short films about how to act, groom, and play baseball, forever sealing off any hope of universal truth or beauty. One might protest that it was Crystal Pepsi that killed the last spark of resistance and laid an entire generation prostrate before the towering menace of American propaganda, and one may be correct. There are no simple answers. For now, we can only offer this meager apologia to the long-vacant souls of our generation.

Delinquent as this notice may be, we would like to offer the following corrections, in hopes that those affected might salvage a fraction of the lesser years of their lives.

ud1
This is not how to bat.

ud6
This is not how to pitch, or dress.

ud3
This is not how to make eye contact with that cute girl in your Psych 101 TA section.

ud2
This is not how to run.

ud4
This is not how to react to the misfortune of your friends.

ud8
This is not how to slide.
It is, however, how to react to someone sliding like this.

ud5
This is not how to roundhouse kick an ecoterrorist.

ud9
This is not how to react to the sight of your friend’s newborn.

Thank you, and again, we apologize for the inconvenience of your collective shattered existence.




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Patrick Dubuque is a wastrel and a general layabout. Many of the sites he has written for are now dead. Follow him on Twitter @euqubud.


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Bronnt
Member
Bronnt
1 year 11 months ago

Almost all of these, however, display proper mustaches.

jcxy
Guest
jcxy
1 year 11 months ago

Small quibble–no handlebars here.

AC of DC
Guest
AC of DC
1 year 11 months ago

I never played V — or any of them between 1 and 6 or any that came after if there were any that came after — but VI was damn tight, almost certainly making up for any shortcomings to be found in its predecessor. Now if you had pursued the works of two guys from Andromeda . . .

asdf
Guest
asdf
1 year 11 months ago

Most of these guys were decent-good, which I did not expect

Stinky Pete
Member
Stinky Pete
1 year 11 months ago

Really enjoyed Crystal Pepsi. What?

srpst23
Member
srpst23
1 year 11 months ago

I don’t know why, but Kal Daniels looks like a black Clint Hurdle to me.

ReuschelCakes
Guest
ReuschelCakes
1 year 11 months ago

Hurdle often describes himself as a black Kal Daniels.

Andy McGaffigan
Guest
Andy McGaffigan
1 year 11 months ago

That baby is quite breathtaking.

E Benes
Guest
E Benes
1 year 11 months ago

Well, to tell you the truth, Dr. Feffa, I , I was surprised to hear you use a word like breathtaking to describe a baby, I mean, because you also used it referring to me.

Ben F
Guest
Ben F
1 year 11 months ago

Well, you know Elaine, sometimes you say things just to be nice.

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