Poorly Crafted Jokes for the Unlikely Roast of Todd Van Poppel

Laughing

The occasion for the poorly crafted jokes below is not a definitely scheduled, certain-to-happen roast of former top Oakland prospect and actual major-league right-hander Todd Van Poppel. Rather, it’s how the author inexplicably woke up in the middle of the night, found it difficult to fall back asleep, and subsequently challenged the internet to amuse him until such a time as he became drowsy again — which he did, eventually, but not before also learning from WebMD that insomnia is a major symptom for no fewer than dozens of fatal conditions.

Were such an event to occur, however — that is, a roast of retired pitcher Todd Van Poppel — the author would at least have seven jokes already written for it.

These jokes, in particular:

1. Your career was so short, if it were a literary form, it’d probably be the epigram.

2. Your career was so short, doctors suspect it was born with achondroplasia, a common cause of dwarfism in humans.

3. Actually, upon further inspection, your career really wasn’t that short. That’s as a surprising as if a group of friends and family were to all gather for the birthday of an otherwise unsuspecting individual.

4. Your career was so disappointing, a comic has probably used it as a metaphor for his failed sexual experiences with women.

5. Your career was so disappointing, a really success-oriented parent mistook it for her son who was wait-listed at Tufts, and she’s like, “You can’t even get yourself into Tufts?”

6. Your surname is so Dutch, it probably got seized by English forces in 1665 and renamed after the Duke of York.

7. Your command was so bad, it gets confused a lot with William George Keith Elphinston, the incompetent British major-general responsible for devesating losses outside Kabul in January 1842.



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Carson Cistulli has just published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.


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Big Jgke
Member
Big Jgke

More like Todd Van FLOPpel, amiright?

frivoflava29
Member
frivoflava29

I surmise the existence of a file on your desktop, “funny.txt,” from which you derive your infinite supply of historical and literary references

Art Vandelay
Member
Member
Art Vandelay

Well, I fell down the Todd Van Poppel rabbit hole. I had no idea he had the “success” he had as a reliever. I always assumed he was terrible his whole career.

LarryA
Guest
LarryA

“Your baseball card prices dropped faster than Arod dropped his lawsuit against baseball”
Camera shot of A-rod sitting on dais shaking his head in his hands.

Pete
Guest
Pete

You are to Chipper Jones as Wally Pip was to Lou Gehrig.

Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets
Guest
Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets

The biggest burn of this NotRoast is that Todd Van Poppel was so insignificant that a Roast of Todd Van Poppel was titularly deemed “unlikely”.

Also, can this join Brian Wilson in the NotRoast category?

Ed
Guest
Ed

We’ll always have the 2000 Cubs, Todd. <3

highcheese15
Guest
highcheese15

I feel like the title of this post would make a good prog rock album title. Also, #6 above, lol.

triple_r
Member

“Devesating”? My god, what have the French done to you, Cistulli?

Andy Van Slyke
Guest
Andy Van Slyke

Too soon on that Duke of York joke.

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