Do not wonder, reader, whether I have modified a dispatch from the official Twitter feed of the Cleveland baseball Indians for my own, nefarious purposes. Wonder instead how many of your friends and family will die tragically from Carlos Baerga Fever, which is probably a really serious and actual thing.
According the Center for Disease Control, any of the following might be symptoms of Carlos Baerga Fever:
• Beautiful black mustache.
• Early decline.
• This is you: