Rear End Review

With the 2013 MLB season coming to a close in the next couple of weeks, and since the remaining postseason games will feature match-ups in which I am more rooting against a team than rooting for any team, I figured now’s a good time to give my Year Rear End Review…

My mother started taking me to games at Milwaukee County Stadium when I was about six years old. We had a Brewers Game Gear Bag™ that we’d bring to every game. The staples:

We brought binoculars because we normally had pretty bad seats: in the bleachers or at the far ends of the upper deck. Or at least, for many years, that’s why I thought we brought them. It wasn’t until I was ten years old or so– after we had been to a few games with much better seats to which my mother also brought the binoculars — that I realized she was brought them to look at Paul Molitor‘s butt.


“There will never be another butt like Moli’s.” -Ma Baumann

While I can’t say this was my first awareness of sexuality — while in kindergarten, I would sometimes lie awake in bed imagining naked women hanging out with me on a “real” version of the G.I. Joe hovercraft — it was certainly the first time I realized my mother was a person with sexual impulses (or at least the remnants thereof).

After Molitor left Milwaukee for greener [artificial] pastures, I began to ask Ma, at the beginning of each season, which Brewer’s butt she would be watching this year. She never found a suitable replacement, and with in a couple years of Molitor’s departure, Ma stopped bringing the binoculars to games.

In honor of Ma Baumann, then, who turns 70 on November 4th and has long since given up searching for a suitable ballplayer butt to ogle, I offer a brief survey of the State of the Butt in Baseball Today.

A simple Google search yielded ample, if less than spectacular results:


Googling “free baseball butts” yields entirely different results.

A similar Google search took me in a surprising direction:


Sorry.

Couldn’t resist this [butt] blast from the past:

PETE STREAK
Inaugural Member, Hall of Sharts

If I thought there was any hope of consoling my mother over the loss of Molitor’s butt in her life — and if she used the internet for anything other than to forward forwarded emails via her Hotmail account (linedancer60@hotmail.com) — I would direct her attention to this Flickr set entitled “Best Baseball Butts.”

Here are a few choice excerpts from said Flickr…

The Captain has still got it! (“It” meaning a taut rump.)


All-Time Leader In Butt Quality.

Feel free to make a twerk GIF of this one, David G. Temple:


Which butt? Yonder butt.

And finally, how could we leave out the most meme-able — and thus the most memed — butt-related baseball occurrences of the 2013 season?!


Does the umpire have a boner? It is a mystery…




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7 Responses to “Rear End Review”

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  1. Jer says:

    I’m sure Brain McCann will now block fangraphs and google at his house.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Alexander Nevermind says:

    Ma Nevermind loves watching Derek Holland pitch.

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  3. Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets says:

    I appreciate Google putting Pujols in the R1C1 slot.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Brett Wallace says:

    I expected a mention on these fair pages.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. Mark Sanchez says:

    Gotta love Phillips doing his best to reciprocate.

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  6. Bitter Beane says:

    Ma Beane would wetten before a photo of shirtless Lou Gerhig.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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