Rebounding Ungracefully From Ryan Braun

Without delving too deeply into what it means to be a fan, I think we can recognize that one develops something analogous to a romantic relationship with players and teams. As delusional as it is to believe people on the ballfield can return any of the affection you direct them, it still hurts to be cheated on. It doesn’t feel like Braun cheated, it feels like he cheated on me. A certain part of my heart wants nothing more than to clutch a sequin-framed 3×5 portrait of Braunie and rock back and forth, mascara running, as “Love Hurts” by Nazareth blasts from my laptop speakers. An autographed University of Miami Braun jersey smoulders in the fireplace. Scribbled sharpie covers my caricatured Braun tramp stamp. My children Ryan and Joseph bang on the front door begging to be let in and fed. My wife, Braunhilda, rots in six separate garbage bags in dumpsters distributed randomly across Dane County. I want to have, you know, a typical breakup reaction to this whole situation.

On Tuesday I attended a Brewers game and sat directly above left field. As tends to happen to a freshly blighted heart, a massive, painful void formed where the blighter used to be. I needed filling. My eyes lustily landed on the first viable replacement for my Braun-abyss: Brewers’ 2009 Minor League Player of the Year Logan Schafer. My crush on the young left fielder formed immediately and without discretion. He grew in my heart so quickly and so robustly I didn’t have a chance to consider his career 77 wRC+. I fell, hard, because I needed him. I was rebounding.

The results, I admit, are not flattering. But they are telling: for anyone who feels the loss of Braun, let Schafer fill your heart:


(It is with mild chagrin–like, the kind of chagrin you have when you break the yolk while flipping an egg–that I am not presenting to you today the highly egregious and possibly unsafe COOL Game Scores. I wanted to, but I’ve found that my current occupation (that is, one who is actively searching for an occupation, and also housing, and also the meaning of life, and also attending Brewers games) takes a lot of time. So much time that I am not fully satisfied with the current state of COOL scores (which, I must remind you, are useless). They will hopefully be unveiled next week.)




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Zach is an egregious malcontent whose life goal is to literally become the London Tube. @itszachreynolds.

14 Responses to “Rebounding Ungracefully From Ryan Braun”

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  1. Kyle says:

    You had me at “Scribbled sharpie covers my caricatured Braun tramp stamp.”

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  2. Django says:

    Watch your back, Reynolds

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  3. Wrigley says:

    Don’t know much about him. But judging by the video, he’s freaky fast.

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  4. RetireNutting says:

    Meh. How about a little more humility from Brewers’ fans here. Years of indignation over Braun PED claims and now fans of the rest of the league are supposed to be sympathetic? No thanks.

    -15 Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Oh, Beepy. says:

      THE TITLE BARS ARE PURPLE YOU MORON

      +20 Vote -1 Vote +1

      • RetireNutting says:

        Yeah, that means it’s Notgraphs — NotGraphs provides “a place to put things that would otherwise not have a place on FanGraphs”.[11]

        Doesn’t mean it’s a place where you can’t comment on baseball or fandom. Sure, this is a sort of jerkoff article from the author that’s mostly supposed to be funny (it’s not, honestly).

        The comment I made still stands and it’s meant for Brewers fans here and anywhere. F all of you and your indignation and your team and Ryan Braun and the who knows how many other cheaters there are on your roster. Braun and the Brewers owe sincere apologies to other fanbases and teams bested for playoff spots and in the playoffs and the coming spot in the cellar is well-deserved.

        -9 Vote -1 Vote +1

        • A eskpert says:

          It’s a bit much to assume that you can entirely attribute their play as team to one player: ie, you can’t say that they wouldn’t have made the playoffs in 2011 if Ryan braun wasn’t there.

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        • neinhurst says:

          F that RetireNutting. Most fans in the state of WI aren’t looking for sympathy, and are all pissed off about Braun. The guy was a superstar playing for a small market team; why wouldn’t the fanbase be excited about a HOFer in the making? And now it turns out the guy is a grade a dbag-this article is highlighting the fact most people in the state have a sense of humor about this sort of bs. Go ahead and have a nice wank off tonight to A Rod or whatever PED induced team you have been watching over the past 10 years.

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        • Max says:

          Ah, a Diamondbacks fan.

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    • TheGrandslamwich says:

      Take a chill pill yo

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  5. Wed_Tilliams says:

    Valhalla calls you home, Braunhilda. Rest in peace, sweet valkyrie angel.

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  6. Transmission says:

    Funny article.

    Except for this:

    “My wife, Braunhilda, rots in six separate garbage bags in dumpsters distributed randomly across Dane County. I want to have, you know, a typical breakup reaction to this whole situation.”

    Opposite of funny.

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  7. I hear that says:

    As a man whose current occupation is actively searching for an occupation, and also housing, and also the meaning of life, and also attending Orioles games, I wish you Godspeed.

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