Red Sox Janitor: “What a Mess!”

“You think The Boston Globe told you the whole story, with Terry Francona’s drug addiction, Jon Lester’s fried chicken binge eating, and Theo Epstein turning a blind eye? You don’t know the half of it. The real story behind the Red Sox September collapse goes so much deeper. First, there’s the prostitution ring Jason Varitek was running from the dugout. Then there’s Dan Wheeler introducing a flesh-eating virus that devoured much of the bullpen. And you can’t forget David Ortiz, working with scientists to create secret clones of most of his teammates that were 40% less good at playing baseball than the real versions. There’s a closet in the bowels of the stadium where the real Carl Crawford and Daniel Bard are trapped, surviving only on the remains of Joey Gathright and Lars Anderson. And let’s not forget the distraction that Zombie Matt Albers created, trying to eat the other players.

What other problems in the clubhouse? Oh, I’m just getting started. Clay Buchholz and Alfredo Aceves having a torrid affair. Erik Bedard murdering Franklin Morales’s entire family with a pistol he stole from Mike Aviles’s secret love child, and then trying to pin the blame on Josh Reddick. Darnell McDonald running over John Lackey with the bullpen cart. Kevin Youkilis dealing with Visa issues. Kyle Weiland discovering his parents are from outer space. And the drug war between the two rival clubhouse gangs, led by Michael Bowden and Drew Sutton.

And I shouldn’t forget Jarrod Saltamacchia plotting to poison Adrian Gonzalez’s post-game meals with chemicals derived from the bones of Marco Scutaro.

Yep, the only one who really cared was Dustin Pedroia.

Go Sox.”

*This post created using Red Sox Collapse Mad Libs™. Try it yourself! The (description of a natural disaster) collapse by the Sox was caused by (baseball player) and his (crime or misdemeanor) habit, exacerbated by eating (fatty food) and taking (over-the-counter or prescription drug) while playing a critical game against the (other American League team).

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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Brad Johnson

PotY Nominee.


In his defense, Wheeler only invented the flesh eating virus to clean up all the fried chicken scraps.