Diamondbacks: Willie Bloomquist (who actually has a higher OPS, so, really, it’s a steal).
Braves: Julio Q. Teheran, cousin of prospect Julio A. Teheran.
Cubs: Theo Epstein, Jed Hoyer, and PLEASE CAN WE COME BACK TO THE RED SOX? PLEASE?
Reds: Didi Gregorius, which is really someone’s name.
Rockies: Free guided tour of Salt River Fields at Talking Stick, the first Major League Baseball Spring Training facility in the nation to be built on Indian land.
Astros: Jed Lowrie. Oh, wait. No.
Dodgers: Tony Gwynn. Senior.
Marlins: Ozzie’s Guillen’s psychiatrist.
Brewers: Livan Hernandez, maybe, if you throw in Daniel Nava.
Mets: Jason Bay? Think about it?
Phillies: A cheesesteak, but not from the good place, just the one across the street from the good one. Extra wiz.
Pirates: Kevin Correia’s mustache.
Padres: Omar Minaya and Randy Smith
Giants: This awesome looking Madison Bumgarner bobblehead (July 15th– tickets still available!)
Cardinals: Busch Stadium’s barbecue bacon hot dog.
Nationals: Won’t give up Zimmerman or Zimmermann, but maybe Zimmermannnn.
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