REPORT: Derek Jeter Severely Disturbed by Cowboy Boots

The ever-intrepid NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has procured a revealing psychological evaluation of Derek Jeter shortly after he received a pair of absolutely hideous, ungodly cowboy boots from the Houston Astros on Wednesday. The boots in question, if you dare risk the integrity of your soul, are shown below:


The psychological evaluation in our possession was reportedly¬†administered by the team psychologist when Jeter was found weeping in a pile of CC Sabathia’s dirty laundry after the game.


A source close to the situation claims to have overheard Jeter muttering that he felt like a “dirty, dirty man,” and witnessed the shortstop begging GM Brian Cashman to allow the soothing presence his mother in the clubhouse for the remainder of the season.

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12 Responses to “REPORT: Derek Jeter Severely Disturbed by Cowboy Boots”

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  1. John Elway says:

    No snarky comment or awful pun necessary.

    +11 Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Jerk Detwiler says:

    CC Sabathia’s laundry is also a trendy spelunking spot.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. me says:

    I actually have those same boots sans logo and number.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Swfcdan says:

    Doesnt even look like leather the white yankees part, looks more like plastic.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. Dang says:

    Derek Jeter drew his first walk of the year after receiving the “gift”, indicating that the boots were made for walking.

    +15 Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. CC Sabathia says:

    Yo even my used laundry aint like it used to be bro. No more fat old man sweat, just nutritious smoothie sweat. Plus I’ve been doing Rectal kagel exercise so no more sharts. I even stopped using the Tony Siragusa Depends pads.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. Wade Boggs says:

    I’ll wear ’em.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  8. Gyre says:

    I hope #2 continues to get similar gifts thruout the year.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  9. Paul G. says:

    So you are saying this is a below replacement level retirement gift? Seems apt for the team in question.

    Vote -1 Vote +1