Report: Drew Smyly Has “Just a Little” Ebola

CINCINNATI — Doctors at the Centers for Disease Control announced Tuesday that left-handed Tigers starter Drew Smyly has “just a little” Ebola.

“After extensive testing by a team of leading experts in the field of infectious disease,” Dr. Prajit Kapoor said in a prepared statement, “we’ve determined that Mr. Smyly definitely has Ebola — or, at the very least, an Ebola-like virus — but that, strangely, it is confined to the tip of his left middle-finger [pictured right] and is unlikely to spread further.”

Smyly began to notice the Ebola while pitching against the Cincinnati Reds on Sunday, eventually leaving the game. “It started hurting and affecting my pitches,” Smyly said on Tuesday. “Honestly, I just thought it was a blister. I mean, I knew it looked bad, but you never think it’s a left-threatening disease responsible for thousands of horrifying deaths.”

When asked if the delay in reaching a conclusive diagnosis on Smyly’s condition was due to the rarity of it, Dr. Kapoor answered in the negative. “Actually, it was less that and more how gross it is. I, personally, vomited four times.”




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BalkingHeads
Member
BalkingHeads
4 years 1 month ago

That’s probably what Chris Perez was thinking about when he was vomiting.

samuelraphael
Member
4 years 1 month ago

Thank goodness for no click to embiggen.

Sarge
Guest
Sarge
4 years 1 month ago

Where do you suppose that finger was prior to the start in Cincy, hmmm?

Quirmulous
Guest
Quirmulous
4 years 1 month ago

Smell it and find out.

telly
Guest
telly
4 years 1 month ago

butterscotch, yo.

Mark
Member
Mark
4 years 1 month ago

It’s a left-threatening disease? I didn’t know that Ebola has a political agenda!

byron
Member
byron
4 years 1 month ago

It’s not a political agenda, it’s a taste for a particular flavor of pitcher.

samuelraphael
Member
4 years 1 month ago

More like Drew Frowny.

rambodiaz
Guest
rambodiaz
4 years 1 month ago

This ^^.

Ralph
Guest
Ralph
4 years 1 month ago

THIS CONFUSES AND INFURIATES ME!

steex
Member
steex
4 years 1 month ago

I hope he didn’t catch this malady while attempting to harvest the lower horn.

JimDMan3
Member
JimDMan3
4 years 1 month ago

That thing has a face.

Tony Fernandez
Guest
4 years 1 month ago

Ebola? The most virulent and one of the most pathogenic diseases known of? People die within days of getting the disease, and it’s confined to his finger? Luckiest, man, ever.

Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets
Guest
Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets
4 years 1 month ago

I’m not a doctor so I had to Google “ebola”. Turns out “Tony Fernandez” is right, this is shocking news for Smyly. What an incredible story.

deadhead
Member
deadhead
4 years 1 month ago

On the bright side, he’s now featuring the only Ebola fingered fastball in MLB.

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