Report: Drew Smyly Has “Just a Little” Ebola

CINCINNATI — Doctors at the Centers for Disease Control announced Tuesday that left-handed Tigers starter Drew Smyly has “just a little” Ebola.

“After extensive testing by a team of leading experts in the field of infectious disease,” Dr. Prajit Kapoor said in a prepared statement, “we’ve determined that Mr. Smyly definitely has Ebola — or, at the very least, an Ebola-like virus — but that, strangely, it is confined to the tip of his left middle-finger [pictured right] and is unlikely to spread further.”

Smyly began to notice the Ebola while pitching against the Cincinnati Reds on Sunday, eventually leaving the game. “It started hurting and affecting my pitches,” Smyly said on Tuesday. “Honestly, I just thought it was a blister. I mean, I knew it looked bad, but you never think it’s a left-threatening disease responsible for thousands of horrifying deaths.”

When asked if the delay in reaching a conclusive diagnosis on Smyly’s condition was due to the rarity of it, Dr. Kapoor answered in the negative. “Actually, it was less that and more how gross it is. I, personally, vomited four times.”

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15 Responses to “Report: Drew Smyly Has “Just a Little” Ebola”

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  1. BalkingHeads says:

    That’s probably what Chris Perez was thinking about when he was vomiting.

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  2. Thank goodness for no click to embiggen.

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  3. Sarge says:

    Where do you suppose that finger was prior to the start in Cincy, hmmm?

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  4. leibniz says:

    It’s a left-threatening disease? I didn’t know that Ebola has a political agenda!

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  5. More like Drew Frowny.

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  6. Ralph says:


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  7. JimDMan3 says:

    That thing has a face.

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  8. Ebola? The most virulent and one of the most pathogenic diseases known of? People die within days of getting the disease, and it’s confined to his finger? Luckiest, man, ever.

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    • Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets says:

      I’m not a doctor so I had to Google “ebola”. Turns out “Tony Fernandez” is right, this is shocking news for Smyly. What an incredible story.

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  9. deadhead says:

    On the bright side, he’s now featuring the only Ebola fingered fastball in MLB.

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