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Report: Drew Smyly Has “Just a Little” Ebola

CINCINNATI — Doctors at the Centers for Disease Control announced Tuesday that left-handed Tigers starter Drew Smyly has “just a little” Ebola.

“After extensive testing by a team of leading experts in the field of infectious disease,” Dr. Prajit Kapoor said in a prepared statement, “we’ve determined that Mr. Smyly definitely has Ebola — or, at the very least, an Ebola-like virus — but that, strangely, it is confined to the tip of his left middle-finger [pictured right] and is unlikely to spread further.”

Smyly began to notice the Ebola while pitching against the Cincinnati Reds on Sunday, eventually leaving the game. “It started hurting and affecting my pitches,” Smyly said on Tuesday. “Honestly, I just thought it was a blister. I mean, I knew it looked bad, but you never think it’s a left-threatening disease responsible for thousands of horrifying deaths.”

When asked if the delay in reaching a conclusive diagnosis on Smyly’s condition was due to the rarity of it, Dr. Kapoor answered in the negative. “Actually, it was less that and more how gross it is. I, personally, vomited four times.”