Report: Schwinden’s Story “Probably Metaphor”

NEW YORK — With the news today that the New York Mets‬ have claimed right-hander Chris Schwinden off waivers — this, after Schwinden was originally waived by the Mets themselves on June 2nd and then subsequently claimed and dropped by the Blue Jays, Indians, and (most recently) the Yankees, all over the course of a month — America’s leading poets, novelists, and writers of non-fiction are pretty sure that Schwinden’s month-long journey is a metaphor for something, although for what, precisely, is unclear.

“There’s something distinctly rich about Schwinden’s experience in June and so far in July,” said Elinora Straus, head of the Creative Writing department at Vassar College. “In particular, to have settled with the team that originally released him: that’s stirring. ‘Why, though?’ is the question. ‘I don’t know, actually,’ is my answer, presently.”

“Maybe it’s the cycle aspect,” suggested Dr. Lloyd Tanner, a professor of literature at Notre Dame and author of A Month of Sundays, a memoir of Tanner’s Catholic upbringing that uses a lot of different tropes and narrative arcs and literary devices. “Or maybe it’s a redemption thing. Or, I know: it’s a tale of persistence, perhaps.

“Hard to say, really,” uttered Tanner finally, before peering, defeated, out onto the university’s quad.

As of press time, America’s literary critics were found reading the entry for “Themes” at Wikipedia.




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Carson Cistulli has just published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.


9 Responses to “Report: Schwinden’s Story “Probably Metaphor””

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  1. Justin says:

    The question everyone seems to be asking themselves is “What’s next for Chris Schwinden?”.

    Only time will tell.

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  2. Sports Headline Writer says:

    Reverse Schwinsanity!

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  3. Jeffrey Paternostro says:

    I feel like the author failed to capitalize on the opportunity to use the word “bildungsroman” in this post.

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  4. Charlie Sheen says:

    SCHWINNING!

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  5. Wu says:

    Schwinden…cocksucker…Schwinden!

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  6. deadhead says:

    I’m a big fan of “like” and “as”, so I prefer to see his story as a simile.

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  7. dp says:

    When asked for comment, Swarthmore College Professor of English Literature & noted Faulkner scholar Philip Weinstein cited a lack of familiarity with the specifics, but noted that “this tale, like so many tales of whimsy and adventure, carries with it a tinge of sadness and a sense of farce that characterizes the world of magical realism.” He then smiled wanly, and said in a mild drawl: “Please excuse me, but I must go. There’s an orgy cumpotluck at the Banana House I cannot miss. Professor Anderson is making pecan pie.”

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  8. Ben says:

    I think you could write a pretty compelling interpretation of Faulkner’s “As I Lay Dying” with Schwinden attempting to cross the county, told from the perspective of the Mets, the Jays, the Yankees, the Indians, and Schwinden himself, who just wants to return to the Mets out of spite.

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  9. Rick says:

    The grass is always greener on the other side.

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