Roger Maris: Creator of Monsters

Roger Maris

Roger Maris, what have you done? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

You’ve cashed in your fame and fortune for a laboratory of horrors — to perform your monstrous and unethical experiments. You’ve crudely melded man and beast, and for what? What is your end goal?

Why must you dabble in the dark sciences, Roger Maris? What possible motivation do you have? Look at that poor thing to your left. Look in its eyes. Well, pick an eye, I guess. Explain to this jumbo rodent why you did what you did. Tell it why you sewed a belt to its skin. Tell it why you grafted what appears to be some sort of 2×6 to its chest. Why the thigh implants? Did you give it a watch so it could track exactly how long it’s endured excruciating pain and suffering? Your cruelty is as sharp as that thing’s widow’s peak.

Wipe that shit-eating grin off your face, you fink. There is no joy to be found in this dugout. You have done heinous things.

Your skills at the plate do not match your skills in genetics, Roger Maris. You sicken me.


(h/t to Chris Mottram for the original link)


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David G. Temple is the Managing Editor of TechGraphs and a contributor to FanGraphs, NotGraphs and The Hardball Times. He hosts the award-eligible podcast Stealing Home. Dayn Perry once called him a "Bible Made of Lasers." Follow him on Twitter @davidgtemple.

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