Romney Picks Ryan

Over the weekend, Mitt Romney chose Paul Ryan of Wisconsin to be his running mate on the Republican ticket. I wish to make the case that Romney chose the wrong Ryan.

Paul Ryan: Wisconsin (10 electoral votes)
Nolan Ryan: Texas (38 electoral votes)

Paul Ryan: Chairs the House Budget Committee
Nolan Ryan: Owns a major league baseball team

Paul Ryan: Early jobs included camp counselor, Oscar Mayer Weinermobile driver (seriously, if Wikipedia is to be believed), mail-opening intern, and marketing consultant for a construction company owned by his relatives
Nolan Ryan: Early jobs included pitcher, pitcher, and [Edited to add: Not A] Cy Young Award-winning pitcher [but still a pretty awesome pitcher anyway].

Paul Ryan: Has won 7 elections to Congress
Nolan Ryan: Threw 7 no-hitters

Paul Ryan: One of three founders of “Young Guns” program
Nolan Ryan: Threw fastest reliably recorded pitch ever, at 100.9 MPH [if we ignore Aroldis Chapman, which whatever source I looked at did. Argh.]

Paul Ryan: Makes his own bratwurst and polish sausage
Nolan Ryan: Struck out 5,714 major league baseball players

George W. Bush on Paul Ryan: “This is a strong pick.”
George W. Bush on Nolan Ryan: “Nolan Ryan is one of the greatest pitchers of all time and an excellent role model in sports. He’s living proof that dreams do come true- for anyone with the courage and dedication to work hard to achieve their dream.”




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


16 Responses to “Romney Picks Ryan”

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  1. Zach Sanders says:

    Should have chosen Brendan Ryan.

    +20 Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Bobby O'Toole says:

    Ryan never won a Cy Young Award. Either of them.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Also, I thought Aroldis Chapman had been reliably clocked at 105? Was that not certain?

      Vote -1 Vote +1

      • Resolution says:

        Allow me to clarify:

        Threw fastest reliably recorded pitch ever, by a red-blooded, blue-blooded, and (due to his overwhelming amount of patriotism) white-blooded, American, at 100.9 MPH.

        Also – Mark Wholers is indeed American, red-blooded, and blue-blooded, it is the latter where he falls short and thus does not qualify for this ‘fastest pitch’ comparison.

        Vote -1 Vote +1

      • JRM says:

        Bobby and WBE are right – no Cy, and Chapman’s been clocked over 100.8 multiple times. I think Mr. Blachman owes us a refund. I expect to see the following posts elsewhere:

        “Obama (via liberal lapdog media) lies and lies again about Paul Ryan’s relative qualifications.” – Michelle Malkin.

        “Paul Ryan conclusively determined ‘not even best Ryan’ by Harvard scholar.” – Daily Kos.

        Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. Jeremy Blachman says:

    The Cy Young Award mistake is inexcusable. The MPH I blame Wikipedia. Will correct the piece now. I try not to write wrong stuff. Forgive me the errors.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Toasty says:

    I suppose Ryan Braun is unelectable outside of Wisconsin now, eh?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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