Roy Halladay Shocker: “I’m Not Really a Doctor”

Halladay
Halladay never even took organic chemistry.

LAKE BUENA VISTA, Fla. — Just a day after announcing his retirement from baseball, former Philadelphia and Toronto right-hander Roy Halladay returned Tuesday with an even more startling confession — namely that, despite answering to the name “Doc” for almost the entirety of his 16-year career, that he isn’t a medical professional in any sense of those words, nor does he possess any formal training whatsoever in the health sciences.

“No, of course not,” Halladay said when confronted on Tuesday by a member of our Investigative Reporting Investigation Team and asked if he’d ever attended medical school. “I assumed it was pretty obvious from how I was drafted out of high school. I didn’t even go to college.”

Obvious? Perhaps. But not as obvious as the Baseball Reference page which clearly lists Doc as his title. And not as obvious as the literally tens of thousands of results returned by popular search engine Google for the term “doc halladay.” And not as obvious as the tracks of all the tears on all the faces of the all children who’re all disappointed now.

It compels one to ask: if not for any sort of professional reasons, then why has Halladay so thoroughly embraced his familiar sobriquet? It certainly compelled this news organ to ask that.

Halladay’s response: “I assume it has to do with the famous gambler and gunman of the American West, John Henry ‘Doc’ Holliday. Our surnames are similar. Plus, he lived in Colorado, I grew up in Colorado… It’s just a name, though.”

Just a name, says Halladay. And what’s in a name, right? Lies, apparently. And perfidy, it would also appear.




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Carson Cistulli occasionally publishes spirited ejaculations at The New Enthusiast.


11 Responses to “Roy Halladay Shocker: “I’m Not Really a Doctor””

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  1. Johnny Canuck says:

    In the Canadian health-care system, the title “Doc” is awarded for maintaining excellent K/BB ratios. Strike out private health-care!

    +9 Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Michael says:

    “I assumed it was pretty obvious from how I was drafted out of high school. I didn’t even go to college.”

    Nicely done.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. steex says:

    I was suspicious of this when I saw Halladay about my broken leg. “If you want to walk, you’ve come to the wrong man.”

    +27 Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Jaack says:

    Insert joke about dentists
    Insert joke about psychiatrists

    My work here is done

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. Mr. X says:

    I heard he applied for the Jewish Head of Pediatrics…wonder if they did a background check on him.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. Mike Francesa says:

    waitasekend doc halladay isn’t ah real doctah? were you getting this uttah nonsense from?

    I understand, its a long offseason, if people wanna act like clowns, let ‘em act like clowns.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. Honorary Doc (of Humane Letters) Hallady

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  8. James says:

    Next thing the Author is going to tell us he didn’t really travel from Paris to Lake Buena Vista to fetch us this scoop!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  9. Jeff Francouer says:

    And I’m not really French.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  10. Bertrand Russell says:

    I just assumed he is a Doctor of Philosophy(PhD) which you can now get quite easily.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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