Prostate Exam Play-by-Play

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Over the weekend, the minor league GM of the Myrtle Beach Pelicans (Rangers Single-A), Andy Milovich, offered to undergo a prostate exam during a game.

“It’s not like I would be getting it at home plate,” Milovich said. “I’ll likely do it from our radio booth and the fans will see me from the shoulder up.”

“…and, Jorge Alfaro steps up to the plate. Alfaro is 1-for-2 on the day, with a double in the 4th inning that drove in one. And speaking of one being driven in, the prostate exam has begun here in the booth. First pitch to Alfaro is low and outside, a ball. Speaking of balls… yes, here they are, in the booth, right there, we’re looking right at them. Never thought I’d see the day.

“And that sound you just heard was Andy Milovich. Perhaps the radio booth was not the perfect place for a prostate exam, Andy? Of course, anywhere is a perfect place for Coors Light, the official beer of the Myrtle Beach Pelicans. This game, and this prostate exam, brought to you by Coors Light. Taste the Rockies. But definitely don’t taste whatever is on this doctor’s finger.

“Speaking of doctors, what kind of doctor is agreeing to do a prostate exam in this medically sterile, bacteria-free radio booth? If you have a malpractice case and need a lawyer, like Andy Milovich probably should, just call Jacoby and Meyers, sponsors of this broadcast and Andy Milovich’s prostate.

“There’s ball two to Alfaro, and coincidentally that’s the same number of balls as we’ve got right on the table here, next to this delicious Hebrew National Hot Dog, available at the ballpark, in your grocer’s freezer, and right next to this prostate exam right here.

“The pitch, and Alfaro pokes one just past the pitcher’s mound. And speaking of poking….”




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


11 Responses to “Prostate Exam Play-by-Play”

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  1. NotGraphs says:

    Still not as painful as my last 24 hours.

    +33 Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Clock says:

    speaking of poking…..hehe

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. Finger Eleven says:

    Bet this whole idea becomes a one-hit wonder.

    +5 Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Mike Green says:

    Jacobs and Meyers, Hebrew National. I’m seeing a pattern here.

    What’s with the Coors Light anyway? Surely, this broadcast would be sponsored by Manischewitz wine served at circumcisions, prostate exams and ballparks near you. Speaking of circumcisions, Alfaro had a great cut at that fastball.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. wickedchic says:

    Milovich “offered to have the exam while singing “Take Me Out To The Ball Game”

    The question is did he break any records on highest octave levels reached during that song?

    Also: #KeepNotGraphs

    +10 Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. Don Marino says:

    This article has a goodass URL

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Jeremy Blachman says:

      Ha, yes, that was the first attempt at this post. Which began and ended with the title, but I forgot to change it when I reworked the post from scratch.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. Jonny "Moe"Lester says:

    This post rubbed me the wrong way.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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