Running the Databases: An Intelligence Exercise

So, word out of baseball land is that the Astros, like the Indians, Red Sox and Cardinals, have created a private online database that allows members of the baseball operations department to view player videos, prepare scouting reports, look up player histories and learn what really happened to Jimmy Hoffa.

Spoiler Alert: He couldn’t hit the curve.

But while the Indians, with DiamondView, have coined a database name that celebrates the generic, the Red Sox (with Carmine, named for the red in their uniforms), the Cardinals (with Red Bird Dog, named, I guess, for the color of their bird dog) and the Astros (with Ground Control, named for the black-ops government agents who play stickball with the aliens at Area 51) have all created database names that reflect the singular character of the team or its moniker.

Certain to follow, then, are these database names. Am I correct?

Mets: Jim Cramer’s Mad Money Recap

Marlins: Hey, Who Left This Thing On?

Angels: You Know, For The Amount Of Money We Spent On This Database, It Should Really Do More Than Show Us Box Scores From 2002

Giants: Defensive Tendencies Of The Dallas Cowboys

Tigers: For The Last Time, There Aren’t Any Pics Of Kate Upton In Here!

Dodgers: A Magic Johnson Is Really All You Need

Padres: 72 And Sunny!

Blue Jays: This Is A Database, Eh?

Brewers: Handy List Of Prepared Statements For Player X

Indians: 101 Ways To Pronounce “Asdrubal”

Diamondbacks: 2 Cups Water, 1 ¼ Cups Milk, 1 Teaspoon Salt, Half Stick Butter, 1 Cup Quick-Cooking Grits (Not Instant)

A’s: The Beane Codices

Nationals: Nationals Security Apparatus (NSA)

Twins: Fargo Is Actually In North Dakota

White Sox: M. Jordan’s Leftover Scouting Reports

Yankees: Derek Jeter’s Incredibly Large Black Book (Volume IV)

Cubs: G.O.A.T. – Go Out And Tellsomebodythatthisisnotworking

Rays: We Really Can’t Afford A Database

Pirates: Bucs! Stop Here!

Phillies: Daily Affirmations For Ryan Howard (Of The Office)

Reds: Vottomatic For The People

Braves: TBS – The Braves’ … Something

Mariners: Jay Z’s Greatest Hits

Royals: Piece Of Paper Left Sticking Out Of A Selectric II Typewriter

Rockies: We’re So High Right Now

Orioles: Texas Rangers’ Proprietary Database

Rangers: Blinking Cursor

And now, Commentariat of oft-cited Esteem, see if you can do better.*

* Yeah, you can probably do better.




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John, who has also written under the pseudonym "Azure Texan," writes for both The Hardball Times and NotGraphs.


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David
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David
2 years 4 months ago

Orioles: [Name redacted because Peter Angelos wouldn’t pay for it]

AynRand'ssocialsecurity#
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AynRand'ssocialsecurity#
2 years 4 months ago

Data base? Base-ball? Base of operations…something with base in it…Oh, hell I give up.

Oh no wait… Ace of Data Base.

Nailed it.

The Return of Rambo Diaz
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The Return of Rambo Diaz
2 years 4 months ago

Phillies: Ruled Notebook Paper

tz
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tz
2 years 4 months ago

Braves: Three Bean Stringfellow

Resolution
Guest
Resolution
2 years 4 months ago

Blue Jays: The Anthopoulos Numbers Metropolis

Royals: The Processor

frivoflava29
Member
frivoflava29
2 years 4 months ago

Blue Jays: I’m Not Your Database, Budday

Jenstrom
Guest
Jenstrom
2 years 4 months ago

Red Sox: Brain of James
Marlins: Fan Nightmares
Yankees: The Checkbook
Dodgers: Billions
Mets: Prayer to St. Jude
Athletics: Reducto

Mack
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Mack
2 years 4 months ago

Rangers: We’ll Sell This in Three Years to Pay for Darvish’s Extension

Ruben Amaro Jr.
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Ruben Amaro Jr.
2 years 4 months ago

What are these database thingys you’re all talking about? Do they have something to do with the maths and stats? I don’t like that.

Eric F
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Eric F
2 years 4 months ago

Phillies: Ruben thinks a database is a computer tower.

John Elway
Member
2 years 4 months ago

Rockies: Computidor.

East Fargo, MN
Guest
East Fargo, MN
2 years 4 months ago

*sigh*
While it hurts to be ignored-again, at least we’re not East St. Louis.
We’ll take famy over infamy every time.

Les Jays
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Les Jays
2 years 4 months ago

Le Poutineitatuer!

Oh, Beepy
Guest
2 years 4 months ago

Phillies: Age * Dingers = rajWAR

teufelshuffle
Guest
teufelshuffle
2 years 4 months ago

Mets: Jonah Hill’s Laptop

wildcard09
Member
Member
2 years 4 months ago

Red Sox: Thank you Theo!

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