Ryan Braun has the ability to hit for average and…

Editor’s Note: The full original title broke FanGraphs (congrats Robert!), here it is in its entirety: Ryan Braun has the ability to hit for average and significant power and his fluid swing is compact and short with tremendous bat speed and a protracted follow-through and he is a pull hitter with strong wrists and he waits well on off-speed pitches and uses the entire field and he drives the ball no matter where it is in the strike zone.

That’s all pretty true.
Let’s go with that.
Put that in the lead-in, in fact.
Hell, make that the title.

It has to be titled “Ryan Braun.”

Oh.

But also can we add that Ryan Braun was offered scholarships by Stanford University and UC-Berkeley and also by the Moon (to put homeruns into orbit — there’s a dearth of homers orbiting the moon) but instead Ryan Braun attended the University of Miami[1] on an academic scholarship on account of his good high school grades and some grade fudging, too.[2] Ryan Braun chose Miami for its academics (you could not major in Scratch Italian Cuisine at Stanford or Berkeley), its athletics, and its Cuban sandwiches. “I think those little toothpicks were the deal closer on the recruiting trip. They had toothpicks with little flags on them in every sandwich, and the flags all had my face — real tiny — on them. That got me.”

Quote me, because I know food — like, I know that you have to dust Calamari with Parmigiano, Limoncello Creme Fraiche, and Roasted Red Pepper Coulis unless you want to be just another pizza place.

And remember when I sucked at fielding? Can we maybe not say that? Can we maybe just say that I’m a good fielder now in left? I only stopped playing third base ‘cause we got Cameron, prompting the team to move Bill Hall to third base and Ryan Braun to left field.

Can we add something like, One day, Ryan Braun was taking ground balls at Pepperdine University near Los Angeles. General Manager Doug Melvin left him a voicemail, and after returning the call and learning of the team’s plans, Braun grabbed his outfield glove, which at the time was not gold, but now it’s gold.

Can the title be something like “Ryan Braun, Golden Glovéd Silver Slügger”?

There is no reason for umlauts.

They are like little baseballs. Make them be little baseballs.

I think I have really good range — because I stretch so much — watch . . . I took Yoga I and II and Advanced Yoga freshman year. I got A’s. Did you get that on video?

How much is too much?

Is there at least a stat that measures how stretchy I am?

Oh! And is there a stat or a paragraph we can add about pursuits outside of baseball, and where I rank in pursuits outside of baseball?

Yes, there is wANBP, which stands for “Weighted Awesomeness of Non-Baseball Pursuits,” and the BWAA considers it very heavily when voting for things like Gold Gloves.

Perfect. Probably I lead the league in that stat. Let’s use that.

Right up front in the intro?

Yeah. I think so. That’s important, right?

It won you a Gold Glove . . .

Well, that and my great stretchiness.

And is there a way to make the background of the page look like a Remetee, and maybe to have some autotuned audio of Uecker calling my 10th inning walk-off grand slam against the Pittsburgh Pirates on September 25, 2008, which kept the Brewers’ Wild Card hopes alive?

No.

Should we say that I am Jewish? Is that, like, racist or something?

Not if you are Jewish.

I do consider myself definitely Jewish. Say, Ryan Braun considers himself a role model for the Jewish community. Say, Ryan Braun’s father Joe, most of whose side of the family was murdered by the Nazis in the Holocaust, was born in Tel Aviv. Say, Ryan Braun never had a Bar Mitzvah, though he really wanted one and never forgave his father for making him miss out on all the sweet gifts and cash that comes with it.

Say, Ryan Braun thinks he should win the 2011 NL MVP to make up for never getting to have a Bar Mitzvah.


[1] Accreditation pending.

[2] Involves bringing your teachers fudge as opposed to apples. Teachers prefer fudge to apples, no contest. Especially econ teachers. And science teachers. They will tell you the chemical compositions of fudge while eating it.



Print This Post

Hire Robert J. Baumann to live-blog your next birthday party, family reunion, or corporate event. You will not want to forget it soon.


Sort by:   newest | oldest | most voted
Kyle
Member

This was just really awesome.

glassSheets
Guest
glassSheets

“Really Awesome” wishes it was as awesome as this article. There is no superlative which adequately captures how this affected the cockles of my heart.

Umlauts = little baseballs is brilliant.

Carson Cistulli
Admin
Member

Oh great, nothing like hot cockles.

glassSheets
Guest
glassSheets

“Hot” is also lacking sufficient superlativeness to describe the current state of my cockles.

Nathan
Guest
Nathan

Nuts
Hot nuts
Nuts
Hot nuts
Who’s that man
Dressed in brown
He’s got the finest nuts in town
Nuts
Hot nuts
Nuts
Hot nuts
Who’s that man
Dressed in green
He’s got the finest nuts I’ve seen
Nuts
Hot nuts
Nuts
Hot nuts
You get ’em from the peanut man

Nathan
Guest
Nathan
Yirmiyahu
Member
Yirmiyahu

How do you dust something with creme fraiche? Why would you put limoncello on calamari?

Chris
Guest
Chris

Robert J. Baumann = RJB = Ryan Joseph Braun?

Eric Augenbraun
Member

Holy shit.

mattc
Guest
mattc

Graffito!

Carson Cistulli
Admin
Member

This is weirder than the weirdest passages of Christopher Smart’s “Jubilate Agno” — a text noted for being entirely, entirely weird.

MikeS
Guest
MikeS

Wuhh??

Navin Vaswani
Editor

You fucking genius.

wpDiscuz