Salary Arbitration Case File #307

Dear Arbitrators:

As you know, there are six criteria that may be considered during a salary arbitration hearing:

1. The contribution of the player during the previous season
2. The length and consistency of the player’s career
3. The record of the player’s previous compensation
4. The performance of the player’s club during the previous season
5. Any physical or mental defects the player may have
6. Comparable baseball salaries

Source: The Sports Economist Blog

In this hearing, we would like to focus specifically on element #5. The player in question has the following mental and physical defects that we believe indicate he should be awarded our submitted figure of $480,000, and not the player’s submitted figure of $11,000,002. Apologies for the length of our list.

1. Player’s right arm is three millimeters shorter than his left.
2. Severe seasonal allergies.
3. Lactose intolerance.
4. Unable to modulate the volume of his voice.
5. Deals poorly with emotional stress of trees needing to be destroyed to make his bats.
6. Mildly uneven circumcision.
7. Poor at higher-level mathematics.
8. No sensation in fourth toe on left foot.
9. Reads slowly.
10. Narrow fingernail beds.
11. Slight vitamin D deficiency.
12. Trouble pronouncing the letter “t.”
13. Sensitive to air pollution.
14. Cannot drive a stick shift.
15. Active case of genital herpes.
16. Commitment issues.
17. Stuffed nose.
18. Not a supertaster.
19. Admits to being “crazy” about Thai food.
20. Only ten fingers.

We rest our case.

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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Big Jgke
Big Jgke

Don’t tell Derek Jeter about #15, or he’ll never get that huge arbitration salary he’s been waiting on.