Scouting Fiddy


Multiplatinum recording artist, serviceable thespian, nightclub habituĂ©, collector of bullet wounds, zealous pursuer of wealth at great bodily risk, connoisseur of sex, eschewer of lovemaking, and life coach Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson engaged this week in combat with The Internet, and it may be fairly said that he came out victorious. Now that Mr. Jackson has one big-league pitch to his credit, taking his place alongside Mariah Carey and William Howard Taft, his scouting report is perhaps already overdue.

Pitch #1: Based on limited video evidence, perhaps best described as a no-seam fastball. Excellent armside sinking and tailing action. Relies heavily on movement as velocity tops out in mid-30s. Uses it as a chase pitch down and out of the zone to righties.

Delivery: Low leg lift with a low three-quarters arm slot. Stands in the middle of the rubber. Smooth and easily repeatable.

Control: Probably the weakest point of his game. Often struggles to find the plate, or the general vicinity of the plate, or even the correct quadrant toward which to attempt to direct the ball.

Poise: Maintains good humor and above-average flow in the face of severe adversity.

Physical Description: At 6 feet and a reported 205 pounds, the stockily built Jackson lacks a conventional pitcher’s frame. Good muscle definition but vulnerable to massive weight swings.

Projection: Projects best at this point in his career as a limited-use LOOGY against extreme free-swingers. Reputation for wild lifestyle may scare away potential suitors. However, his dramatic life story could make him a valuable veteran presence in the right clubhouse.

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7 Responses to “Scouting Fiddy”

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  1. David Palardy says:

    38 years old? Ruben’s people will be reaching out to him.

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  2. Clock says:

    no-seam fastball. fantastic.

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  3. Mike Green says:

    Don’t forget that like all lefthanders of any note, he has taken up yoga. No word yet on whether he also engages in mixed martial arts training.

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  4. Vlad says:

    I’d hit that.

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  5. Chris_Sale_Stop_With_The_Roids_Already says:

    Easy there people. Fiddy is actually RIGHT handed and has never thrown left handed before. The 12 rounds downloaded into his right shoulder by his rivals have rendered that wing useless for pitching. He used to have a grimy slider!

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  6. Anonymous says:

    Securing a club-friendly deal for Jackson may be tricky. Sources indicate that contract talks repeatedly broke down when Curtis indicated that his desire for a lucrative megadeal was so strong that he would hold out until said demands were met “or die trying”.

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