SEO Gargantua: Jose Fernandez Bat Toss Weight-Loss Trick

Sources close to the situation — and also just the box score itself — suggest that right-hander Jose Fernandez has homered tonight off Mike Minor in the sixth inning of Miami’s game against Atlanta. Internet hysteria suggests further that Fernandez has tossed his bat aside, spit on Atlanta third baseman Chris Johnson, and stabbed Atlanta manager Fredi Gonzalez in the subclavian artery with a crudely made shiv-weapon.

Mostly by way of Jeff Sullivan’s industry, NotGraphs presents here part of what appears to have been a night full of goddamn American fists in Miami, Florida.




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Carson Cistulli occasionally publishes spirited ejaculations at The New Enthusiast.


16 Responses to “SEO Gargantua: Jose Fernandez Bat Toss Weight-Loss Trick”

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  1. The Return of Rambo Diaz says:

    Fix Syria with this one old wives’ tale that Miley Cyrus doesn’t want you to know about.

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  2. chad says:

    Chris Johnson will never live down the running behind the ump move. McCann was taking care of it so there was no need for him to be there. He just made himself look really weak in the nicest way to put it. Plus its against the Marlins just win and act like winners who cares what they do

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    • Billy says:

      What a wimp. You run after a guy who showed you up and then stand behind someone and scream? Absolutely 0 respect left for Chris Johnson after that one. At least man up and get in the guys face, it’s not like the crowd got in his way, he intentionally ran behind the umpire before saying a single word to Jose.

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      • RC says:

        I don’t think Johnson was a wimp for getting behind the ump…I think he wanted to get a chance to yell without having any real confrontation arise from it.

        That said, the boy (Johnson) need to take a Xanax or two. Just a LITTLE too high strung if you ask me.

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    • Well-Beered Englishman says:

      This whole thing was uncalled for and stupid. Jose Fernandez had never hit a home run before and he’s never going to hit one again, probably, or not for a few years. Why isn’t he allowed to watch it? He’d never seen that happen before after a swing he took.

      I know if I homered in the major leagues I’d turn to Brian McCann and go “holy shit did you see that?! Did that just happen?!? You sir are buying me a pint.”

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  3. Gyre says:

    Aye, Johnson is now so marked. I guess it’s OK for the Braves to watch them, for a masher to watch them, but never OK for a Marlins pitcher (especially when he is pwning your team). Now I expect/hope the Braves to get knocked out in the first round as karma comes around.

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  4. stockhfcrx says:

    Maybe he was mesmerized by the home run sculpture

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  5. Bab says:

    Splendid.

    Someone should capture a gif of Chris Johnson screaming at Fernandez, so tomorrow we can have a “subtitle this gif” competition.

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  6. jcxy says:

    wow indeed.

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  7. Mike Bates says:

    I take issue with the characterization of the hitter/pitcher’s actions as a “bat-flip”. There was precious little flippage if any.

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    • Mike Bates says:

      And now I re-read and find that it was referred to as a “bat toss” not a “bat-flip” and am forced to beat a hasty retreat. Apologies all around for my error, but in wasting all of your time, perhaps that some small measure of victory for me anyway that I can take away from this learning experience.

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  8. murphym45 says:

    I know nobody asked, but it looks like McCann was just trying to have a serious, but civil, exchange with Fernandez. Johnson may have seen them talking and thought that Fernandez was trying to stir things up with McCann and rushed to insert himself into the conversation.

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