Seven Other Players Upon Whom It’s Unwise to Sleep

Carrasco Sleep
Regardless of how drowsy he gets, the reader would do well
to avoid sleeping on Cleveland right-hander Carlos Carrasco.

Earlier today at RotoGraphs, Mike Podhorzer advised the teeming masses not to sleep on Cleveland right-hander Carlos Carrasco.

Sound advice, that — nor is Carrasco the only player with regard to whom said advice is relevant. There are number of other players upon whom we shouldn’t be sleeping.

A number a lot like seven, for example:

Dan Uggla
A relatively even surface is ideal for sleeping. Uggla, meanwhile, is composed almost entirely of biceps that bulge out all over his body. Not conducive at all for healthy sleeping practices. Don’t sleep on Dan Uggla.

Dee Gordon
Listed at 5-foot-11 and 160 pounds, Gordon has one of the slightest builds in all of baseball. Even a normal-sized man lying atop Gordon for seven or eight hours could have disastrous consequences for the shortstop. Don’t sleep on Dee Gordon.

Married Players
Even if there are certain players in the league who would permit being slept upon, it’s fair to assume that their wives have little desire to share a bed, as well. Especially with someone who looks like you, with that haircut and those weird pleated slacks you’re always wearing. Don’t sleep on any married players, probably.

Jeffrey Loria
If his tenure as a major-league owner is any indication, Jeffrey Loria lacks something basic in terms of human empathy. Were he to find someone sleeping on him, the results could be fatal — or worse. Is Jeffrey Loria an actual player? No. But still: don’t sleep on Jeffrey Loria. It’s just good sense.

Prince Fielder
One might suppose that, given Prince Fielder’s corpulence, that he’d be the perfect sort of player for sleeping upon. Except for this: an abundance of soft tissue can thicken the wall of the windpipe, narrow the inside of the windpipe, and cause sleep apnea. For Fielder to support not only his own weight but also someone else’s could put him at considerable risk for any number of problems: high blood pressure, heart attack, stroke, etc. Please, for the love of humanity, don’t sleep on Prince Fielder.

Matt Harvey
Unlike Jeffrey Loria, Matt Harvey is full of empathy — so full, in fact, that he’s compelled in his dreams after every start to re-live every one of his strikeouts from the batter’s point of view. As a result, Harvey is prone to night terrors — and is a danger to anyone around him. Don’t sleep on Matt Harvey.

Carlos Carrasco
Podhorzer’s advice is sound. Carlos Carrasco is returning from Tommy John surgery. He didn’t pitch at all in 2012, and now he’s finally returning to peak physical health (as his encouraging velocity readings of late suggest). Were one to sleep on Carrasco and accidentally re-injure him somehow — that would be pretty difficult for Carrasco, probably. A setback like that could have real repercussions for him, from an emotional point-of-view. Don’t sleep on Carlos Carrasco.




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Carson Cistulli occasionally publishes spirited ejaculations at The New Enthusiast.


9 Responses to “Seven Other Players Upon Whom It’s Unwise to Sleep”

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  1. The Indians just sent Carrasco to Triple-A. I think it’s okay if we sleep on him.

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  2. DKulich44 says:

    Just wondering if you could offer some sound advice of who I should sleep on. I’m moving in a few weeks and planned on getting a new bed. So, this advice could be extremely useful to me in the near future. Thanks.

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    • The Over-Murdered says:

      Well, there’s Johnny Couch, Mike Couchee, or Kit Pellow, to name a few.

      I will warn you though– despite his inviting name, Erik BEDard is NOT a good person to sleep on. All you need to know about the reasons for the aforementioned caveat can be distilled in the following, alarming, phrase, quite relevant to his 2011 and 2012 seasons:

      “BAD WHIP”

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    • Ziggy says:

      If you were homeless, you could just sleep on Johnny Bench.

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  3. DerekJeterGiftBasket says:

    I wonder how Mike Piazza would feel about this article?

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  4. Ben Sheets says:

    Don’t even think about sleeping on me.

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    • JMS says:

      Carl Cushion and Sleeper O’Sullivan both seem like nice antique four poster type affairs. I would avoid the overly corporate J.T. Restko.

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  5. Simon says:

    How is Carrasco another player on whom it’s unwise to sleep?

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  6. henry says:

    you shouldn’t sleep on carrasco, that’s an angry man right there. just given an 8 game suspension for throwing at youkilis’ head (although, who wouldn’t?)

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