Sexy R&B Interlude for Corban Joseph’s Plate Discipline

CJ Chart

It should not surprise the reader to learn that the present author — who is covered both in gold chains and Drakkar Noir — has written, recorded, and is currently mixing/editing a sexy R&B single addressed predominantly to Yankees prospect Corban Joseph‘s plate discipline. While Joseph himself was demoted to Triple-A earlier this week, he recorded seven major-league plate appearances — and swung, during those same plate appearances, at either just zero or one pitches outside the strike zone (depending on the source).

What follows is not the aforementioned song in its entirety — because that will be released in such a way as to make the author Goddamn Wealthy — but rather, in the tradition of Barry White and that one guy from Boyz II Men, a transcript of the song’s brief, but powerful, spoken-word interlude.


I just can’t get my mind off of you,
Corban Joseph’s PITCHf/x swing chart
from the Texas Leaguers website.
I bookmarked you on my web browser of choice.
I even emailed a link of you to my own self,
so I could access you more easily
via my brand-name smart phone later on.

My favorite part about you
is how all your data points
are inside the default strike zone —
and middle-in, too, where a hitter
is likely to make the best possible contact.

I know other baseball writers will query you,
Corban Joseph’s PITCHf/x swing chart.
I don’t mind.
I love you more than them. I know it.

Let’s make love to each other.
Metaphorically, I mean, owing to how
you’re just an image on my laptop screen
and possess nothing even resembling human genitals.
But I think you know what I mean.
Or would, that is, were you capable
of something like human cognition.

In conclusion,
Corban Joseph’s PITCHf/x swing chart,
I’ll never look for anyone else.
It’s your love.
I’m wearing gold chains and Drakkar Noir.
It’s your love!

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Carson Cistulli has just published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.

8 Responses to “Sexy R&B Interlude for Corban Joseph’s Plate Discipline”

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  1. percy shelley says:

    I don’t get the Drakkar Noir reference. What does Drakkar signify here? An unfortunate attempt to cover up the stench of a low socioeconomic status upbringing?

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  2. Rhanebaeu Dix says:

    I don’t get it.

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  3. Justin says:

    Fans of baseball statistics are highly unfamiliar with sexiness.

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  4. Kyle says:

    I laughed a lot, and also grooved.

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  5. no says:

    really really troubling.

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  6. James K. says:

    Your laptop doesn’t have genitals?!

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  7. Mr. Observant says:

    Let’s hope the prospect in question isn’t wearing a Hiroshima Carps T-Shirt anytime soon, or he might find this song is actually a prelude to an encounter featuring the love that dare not speak it’s name…

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  8. Visionary1 says:

    This is fantastic. Corban Joseph data points be fine.

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