Shocking Numerology: Kemp and Oh

This is a map — a map not yet revealed to be shocking — of driving directions from Matt Kemp’s hometown of Midwest City, Oklahoma to Saduharu Oh’s hometown of Tokyo, Japan, U.S.A. Admire …

As you can see, this route has tolls, the bulk of them presumably on the Tom Wopat Pacific Ocean Tollway. As you can also see, it’s 8,732 miles from Kemp’s hometown to Oh’s hometown. And this is where things get … shocking.

What’s the significance of the number 8,732? Well, you say, 8,732 is the number of beautiful ladies in a town of 8,732 beautiful ladies. While that’s true, it’s also the number of Kemp’s career plate appearances coming into Sunday, April 15, 2012 added to his career at-bats coming into Sunday, April 15, 2012 added to his career total bases (again, coming into play on April 15, 2012) added to his plate appearances for 2007 added to his triples for 2008 added to Oh’s career home runs. Or should I say: !. (I’m pretty sure all of this is correct; I shall do things, but I shall not double-check this dumb shit.)

That map I said was not yet revealed to be shocking? It’s now shocking.

Shocked, are you? Shocked by the relevant numerology? Yes, you are so, and you are such.

As I survey the ratscape of my lousy life and work, I shall remember that the numbers have an unseen power over us. Specifically they have the unseen power to make the number of Matt Kemp’s career plate appearances coming into Sunday, April 15, 2012 added to his career at-bats coming into Sunday, April 15, 2012 added to his career total bases (again, coming into play on April 15, 2012) added to his plate appearances for 2007 added to his triples for 2008 added to Sadaharu Oh’s career home runs equal the number of miles, by car, from Midwest City, Oklahoma to Tokyo.

Now go and rage against the will to rage against the dying of the light.




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


15 Responses to “Shocking Numerology: Kemp and Oh”

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  1. Drakos says:

    8,732 is also the number of home runs that Matt Kemp has hit against the Padres this year. At least it feels that way.

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  2. Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets says:

    When paralleled with the ubiquitous truth we are all going to die someday, the map is more aptly characterized as “inconsequential” than “shocking”.

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  3. Mr. Smooth says:

    Why does the Tom Wopat Pacific Ocean Tollway start in Washington? That seems less than convenient.

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    • Dayn Perry says:

      Pork-barrel project. It’s an outrage, really.

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    • MTUCache says:

      Frankly, you should probably stop questioning Wopat and Ichiro’s decisions and just be thankful that you don’t have to take the land bridge into Siberia anymore.

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    • steex says:

      That’s some good work by Hawaii’s delegation. The tollway’s route would be well over a thousand miles shorter via Alaska.

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  4. RamboDiaz says:

    I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m just happy that Tom Wopat has a Tollway of his own.

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    • MTUCache says:

      Jerry Seinfeld and his private network of zip lines around Manhattan pale in comparison to Mr. Wopat’s private international expressway network.

      I guess the only question I have left is why Mr. Wopat charges tolls when he’s the only one allowed on the Tollway? I’m confident there’s a perfectly good explanation, I just can’t think of it.

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  5. reillocity says:

    I look forward to the day when there are automobiles with sufficient fuel economy to allow one to drive directly from Seattle to Tokyo without having to stop in Hawaii for gas.

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  6. dudley says:

    the really shocking thing is that if you crack the numerological code using a combination of esperanto, morse code, and pig latin, 8,732 translates to “Satan”, indicating that both Oh & Kemp owe a no small amount of their success to a Faustian bargain. money well spent, IMO.

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    • Satan says:

      I agree – and thanks for appreciating my hard work. Off to encourage self-abuse and gay marriage in Democrat-leaning states!

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  7. gnomez says:

    The actual driving directions from Google Maps make me incredibly happy.

    28. Continue straight. 2,756 mi.

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  8. Del B. Vista says:

    Did you know President Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln and President Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy?

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  9. tim says:

    you should probably stop questioning

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