Shorter Baseball Columnists!

It’s time for another installment of “Shorter Baseball Columnists,” in which we read mainstream baseball columnists and marginalized bloggers like Murray Chass so you don’t have to! Let us begin!

Shorter Mike Lupica: Hot Sports Opinion: Yankees-Red Sox games sometimes last too long.

Shorter Bill Plaschke: How much do I love Peter Bourjos? Enough to refer to his “dazzling dignity.”

Shorter Lake Cruise: The Cardinals’ ongoing embrace of Mark McGwire might kill your children.

Shorter T.J. Simers: Report immediately to your comfiest reading chair, because this is going to be about moi.

Shorter Murray Chass: New York Times, if I can’t have you, no one will.

Shorter Jerry Green: Stop giving me the high-hat: Justin Verlander is the MVP. And that’s my lawn you’re standing on, you whippersnappers and jackanapes. Ah, the dickens …

The “Shorter” approach to Internetty commentary traces back, as best as one can tell, to Daniel Davies.

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I’m really amused by Mike Lupica’s negative comparison of baseball with “a sport of constant action like pro football”. Because:


So Green is resigned to the fact that the sabermetric MVP-vote-wielding zombies who don’t place proper emphasis on “meat and potatoes” stats (batting: BA, HR, RBI, and R; pitching: W, ERA, K) will choose Granderson instead of Verlander? And why exactly would said sabermetric zombies pick the guy who is currently 1st or 2nd in 3 of his 4 meat and potatoes batting stats but ranks somewhere between the 4th and 8th best position player in the AL by WAR?