Shorter Baseball Columnists!

It’s time for another installment of “Shorter Baseball Columnists,” in which we read mainstream baseball columnists and marginalized bloggers like Murray Chass so you don’t have to! Let us begin!

Shorter Steve Rosenbloom: This is why Adam Dunn struggled last season. Maybe. Or not. I don’t know, man.

Shorter Dan Shaughnessy: Get comfortable, lads, because this one is going to be about me.

Shorter Mike Lupica: Shame on Ryan Braun for making his failed drug test a public issue.

Shorter Murray Chass: Hold on to your funny bones because you can make a “twit” joke out of the word “Twitter,” which I hate. Twitter, I mean, not the joke I just made, which is gold.

Shorter Jim Souhan: Joe Mauer is a pussy.

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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.

19 Responses to “Shorter Baseball Columnists!”

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  1. Well-Beered Englishman says:

    There should be a law against people making jokes about Twitter if they’re under 65. But for someone like Murray Chass, you kind of have to let them have that one.

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  2. Shorter Dayn Perry says:

    I’m paraphrasing baseblogs comically. Plus, a daguerreotype!

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  3. Shorter Carson Cistulli says:


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  4. bowie says:

    the Souhan column on Mauer is really pathetic.

    “While Mauer spent hours virtually every day in the workout and training rooms, he seemed to be more focused on the process than the goal, which was getting himself back on the field as quickly as possible to help an injury-riddled team.”

    What a jerk that Mauer is, spending all that time selfishly rehabbing when he should instead be focused on getting back into playing condition!

    It’s like I told my wife, if you want to lose weight, quit spending all that time cooking healthy, eating in moderation, and exercising. Just focus on on losing the weight.

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    • reillocity says:

      The “Clueless Joe” headline is admittedly over the top, but I have to admire Souhan’s candor. Far too many newspaper writers working in the jurisdiction of MLB clubs today lack the courage to write that type of piece for fear of reprisal from the team. Before we born, that type of sportswriting was very common and as a result sportswriting made for a much more interesting read than it does today.

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  5. Bryz says:

    I’m really happy to see that this has returned. It allows me to read more columns from around the nation, plus I’m glad to see that at least one other person (bowie) isn’t fond of the Souhan article either.

    And yes, this comment is entirely true, even though I appear to be making fun of Dayn by jumping on the “Shorter Dayn Perry” bandwagon above.

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  6. deadhead says:

    Shorter Dayne Perry: I wrote these blurbs on cocktail napkins between Appletinis at the local VFW, where the regular patrons scoffed with disdain at a grown man drinking Appletinis.

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  7. bowie says:

    I just read the Rosenbloom article on Dunn, and all I can think is: How do these guys have jobs?

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    Please send comments via carrier pigeon to Murray Chass, New York, NY, 10108

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  9. shorter plaschke says:

    The answer? NEITHER!! It’s all about James Loney!

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  10. Anna Karina says:

    Shorter Eno Sarris: Leave Britney alone!

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