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Smokin’ Bud Selig

He is not Smokin’ Jay Cutler. He is not even Smokin’ Obama. He is, however, frumpy, disheveled and vaguely anguished at all times. He wears a suit, but he also sleeps in that suit. He smells like outgoing mail. He is the Shelley Levene of highly paid executives.

For these reasons, Bud Selig smokes, even if, within the misleading bounds of reality, he doesn’t smoke. Bud Selig smokes because he is Smokin’ Bud Selig …

“For once, can’t you just handle this yourself?” Smokin’ Bud Selig says. “Christ, I just need an Anacin, a Sanka and some sleep.”