Some Ballpark Promotions, Courtesy of NotGraphs

Give Zach Galifianakis and/or Colby Lewis a tickle.

Everyone who’s anyone knows that a giggle factory is a factory that produces giggles en masse. And a giggle factory is what this guy became yesternight when he (i.e. I, Carson Cistulli) read Grant-of-McCovey-Chronicles’ post on some notable ballark promotions scheduled to occur this year at San Francisco’s AT&T Park.

Mr. Grant goes through a couple ideas, examining what sort of fun could be had with each, and then gives us this white-hot paragraph:

There are others that might appeal to you — pins, socks, belt buckles, shirts, Snuggie-type wearable blankets. It should be noted that my suggested promotion — “Stand Next to Buster Posey For a Few Minutes and Ask Him Some Questions, Shake His Hand, Stare At Him Uncomfortably, and Smell What Kind of Shampoo He Uses, You Know, Just Take It In” Day — was not included, and there doesn’t seem to be any evidence that it was even considered, despite countless letters and e-mails. There’s always next season. And the whole experience did give me an idea for a new site tagline: “McCovey Chronicles: Giants fandom from a court-ordered 500 feet away.”

While I don’t want to toot my own horn — or, at least not in public, where everyone can see me doing it (embarrassing!) — I think of myself as something of the proverbial Idea Man. With that in mind, I’ve concocted promotional ideas for five major league clubs.

Totally free of charge, here they are, MLB:

Organization: Atlanta Braves
Promotion: “Uggla Tree” Giveaway
Description: In celebration of Arbor Day and also the team’s new starting second baseman, the Braves give away saplings to the first 10,000 fans.

Organization: Kansas City Royals
Promotion: Time Machine to Contention
Description: During the course of their July 22nd game against Tampa Bay, fans can receive a free time-machine ride to the future, where the Royals are good. (Warning: Might actually just be a kinda crappy shuttle bus to Omaha to watch the Royals Triple-A affiliate, where Eric Hosmer and Mike Moustakas are probably playing.)

Organization: Milwaukee Brewers
Promotion: Bob Uecker Day
Description: Any way to more effectively harness and disseminate Uecker’s talent is encouraged. One actual idea, though: allow Uecker just to narrate one lucky person’s actions for an entire day. For example, “Looks like Jackie Moore’s gonna make some lunch now. He’s going to the refrigerator. Might I suggest, Jackie, some delicious Usinger’s Sausage…”

Organization: Minnesota Twins
Promotion: Jimmer Jammer Pajama Party
Description: This promotion actually doesn’t occur at Target Field, but rather at Jim Thome’s area residence, and it’s ladies-only, and it’s perpetually recurring.

Organization: Texas Rangers
Promotion: “Touch the Hem of Colby Lewis’s Garment, And Maybe Give Him (i.e. Colby Lewis) a Tickle, Too, If He’s Okay With It” Day
Description: I’ll admit, this is pretty similar to Grant’s Buster Posey promotion, except that, owing to their more progressive front office, maybe the Rangers will at least issue a warning before going all “restraining order” on me the fans in question.

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Carson Cistulli has just published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.

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