Some Thoughts on the Current Standings

Courtesy of the morning paper, the current standings …

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I think it’s obvious at this point that it’s going to come down to Junior A.C. and Davis Shell and the private-school kids with their high-end bikes who populate the two teams. Were this a cinematic flight, then the relentlessly middle-class kids from, say, Naas Candy, would rise up and bring low their economic betters. But this isn’t a movie, so Junior A.C. and Davis Shell, what with their superior breeding, boutique equipment and precocious and unreachable girlfriends will surely hold sway.

Just as sure is that this will mark the onset of many decades of holding sway over the Naas Candy boys. The difference is that the certain defeats ahead will be more meaningful, more lacerating. For instance, is there really any doubt that Davis Shell shortstop Caspian Westwood will one day order his middle managers to fire current Naas Candy left fielder Rusty Stricken from the crew because he was rumored to have a flask in his lunch pail? The mounting black lung was making him less than efficient, anyway.

As for the natural rivalry between Faultless Cleaners and Economy Cleaners, two concerns that will leave your Sansabelt slacks crisp to the grope and redolent of chemical vats, it’s not much of a contest thus far. This is because Economy Cleaners is shitty in all ways.

You see, they are shitty because their coach, Floyd Chickens, is all too at ease on the dole, where he’s been for lo these many years. His indolence seeps down to the shiftless layabouts on his roster. Rather than patrol the infield with a sense of mission, they instead panhandle base-runners. Even when a member of Economy Cleaners is presented with the opportunity for honest toil — for instance, Junior A.C. star pitcher Maximilian Humphries, while measuring his lead-off from second base, recently offered Economy infielder Cesar Chavez McMurphy a good many pence to beat the teammate of his choosing with a ditching spade and then finish him off with sheep shears — they recoil and fart. They are bound headlong for diseases that never spread north of the Town Plaisance.

All of this helps explain the current standings, which you see above.




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.

8 Responses to “Some Thoughts on the Current Standings”

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  1. The Return of Rambo Diaz says:

    You do know that, secretly, Maximilian Humphries’ girlfriend wishes to lay with Cesar Chavez McMurphy, right? The glitz and glamour of her societal entrapping can hardly overcome her passion for the dreadnaught infielder.

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    • Dayn Perry says:

      Thank you for reminding me of the existence of the word “dreadnaught.” A prince is what you are.

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  2. nelson says:

    Economy Cleaners.

    Loss Leaders.

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  3. Gob says:

    is this supposed to be your take on chaucer?

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  4. Mr. Observant says:

    Hmmm, methinks Caspian Westwood likely gave into the vice anglais with Chet Bitterroot in the shower room after another Junior’s victory. Those bluebloods and their Oxbridge foibles…Also, this social commentary sorely needed a little Fan and Fannie.

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  5. bowie says:

    I tried to keep a straight face throughout this post but could not make it past “Floyd Chickens.”

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  6. Parent of Economy Cleaners Player says:

    Hey, ASSHOLE. My husband brought this to my attention last night at the dinner table. Maybe if you read the article that accompanied the standings, you would have realized that Economy Cleaners is a team of DEAF KIDS. You have a lot of nerve to write this to get a laugh out of your computer nerd friends at the expense of my child and his teammates. Let me tell you something. These kids have hearts of gold and each and every one of them will grow up to be twice the man that you are, you LOW LIFE!!!

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