Soriano: “Derek Jeter is like a father to me”

Derek Jeter in the New York Post on Alfonso Soriano being designated for assignment:

“He is like a brother to me. He should be proud of what he was able to do.”

Soriano, in response:

“A brother? Did he say that? Well, I say Derek Jeter is like a father to me. Older, wiser, a father who can no longer hit with authority, unlike me, who is just having a down year, but I will be back for six, seven, eight, fifteen more productive years in the major leagues, while my father, Derek Jeter, floats off into retirement. Maybe he is even more like a grandfather to me. After all, I am only thirty-eight years old, and how old is Derek? Sixty? Sixty-five?”

Jeter, after hearing Soriano’s remarks:

“I was misquoted earlier. Alfonso Soriano is like a great-aunt to me.”

Soriano:

“Derek Jeter is like the ancestor who comes to me in a dream and tells me that if I don’t treat people with more kindness, I will be alone forever, and also something about Tiny Tim (Collins).”

Jeter:

“Soriano is like the fossil I dug up under the dugout.”

Soriano:

“Jeter is like my favorite Cro-Magnon shortstop.”

Jeter:

“Soriano is an amoeba from before life on Earth progressed beyond single-celled organisms.”

Soriano:

“Jeter seems to have taken a science class.”




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


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Mick O
Guest
Mick O
2 years 2 months ago

Soriano then proceeded to sing “Sometimes when we touch…..”

Damaso's Burnt Shirt
Guest
Damaso's Burnt Shirt
2 years 2 months ago

Darth Jeter: “No, I am your father.”
Alfonzo Skywalker: [shocked] No. No! That’s not true! That’s impossible!
Darth Jeter: Search your feelings; you know it to be true!
Alfonzo Skywalker: NOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO!!!
Darth Jeter: Here’s a gift basket.
Alfonzo Skywalker: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Rob Ford
Guest
Rob Ford
2 years 2 months ago

SNORT!!

FladaYank
Member
FladaYank
2 years 2 months ago

Outstanding

John Elway
Member
2 years 2 months ago

NEIGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LMHAO!!!!

tz
Guest
tz
2 years 2 months ago

Yes! Bring back the Evil Empire analogies.

As a Red Sox fan, we ain’t winning this episode, no matter what Koji Wan-Kenobi, Princess Pedroia, or Chewlacckey can do. Maybe next year the Force will be with us with a better Jar-Jar Bradley Jr, and a full year of Mook Skywalker.

TK
Guest
TK
2 years 2 months ago

Red Sox are not the Rebel Alliance! That would be the Rays!

The Narrative Strikes Again
Guest
The Narrative Strikes Again
2 years 2 months ago

Rebel scum.

DerekJeterGiftBasket
Guest
DerekJeterGiftBasket
2 years 2 months ago

Bravo. Love to be given to someone worthy.

Owen S
Guest
Owen S
2 years 2 months ago

I’m still not convinced Alfonso is 38. Fool me once, shame on you.

zer0grav
Member
zer0grav
2 years 2 months ago

best thing i’ve read today

Randy Marsh
Guest
Randy Marsh
2 years 2 months ago

best thing I’ve read in months

FASTPIECE FANTASIA MCADDAMS
Guest
FASTPIECE FANTASIA MCADDAMS
2 years 2 months ago

AGEISM

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