Soriano: “Derek Jeter is like a father to me”

Derek Jeter in the New York Post on Alfonso Soriano being designated for assignment:

“He is like a brother to me. He should be proud of what he was able to do.”

Soriano, in response:

“A brother? Did he say that? Well, I say Derek Jeter is like a father to me. Older, wiser, a father who can no longer hit with authority, unlike me, who is just having a down year, but I will be back for six, seven, eight, fifteen more productive years in the major leagues, while my father, Derek Jeter, floats off into retirement. Maybe he is even more like a grandfather to me. After all, I am only thirty-eight years old, and how old is Derek? Sixty? Sixty-five?”

Jeter, after hearing Soriano’s remarks:

“I was misquoted earlier. Alfonso Soriano is like a great-aunt to me.”


“Derek Jeter is like the ancestor who comes to me in a dream and tells me that if I don’t treat people with more kindness, I will be alone forever, and also something about Tiny Tim (Collins).”


“Soriano is like the fossil I dug up under the dugout.”


“Jeter is like my favorite Cro-Magnon shortstop.”


“Soriano is an amoeba from before life on Earth progressed beyond single-celled organisms.”


“Jeter seems to have taken a science class.”

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

13 Responses to “Soriano: “Derek Jeter is like a father to me””

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  1. Mick O says:

    Soriano then proceeded to sing “Sometimes when we touch…..”

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  2. Damaso's Burnt Shirt says:

    Darth Jeter: “No, I am your father.”
    Alfonzo Skywalker: [shocked] No. No! That’s not true! That’s impossible!
    Darth Jeter: Search your feelings; you know it to be true!
    Alfonzo Skywalker: NOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO!!!
    Darth Jeter: Here’s a gift basket.

    +27 Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. Owen S says:

    I’m still not convinced Alfonso is 38. Fool me once, shame on you.

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  4. zer0grav says:

    best thing i’ve read today

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  5. Randy Marsh says:

    best thing I’ve read in months

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