Stay Away From Clint Hurdle


Breaking news from the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette’s article about Clint Hurdle winning the NL Manager of the Year Award:

“Clint’s passion is infectious,” Pirates owner Bob Nutting said in a statement.

PITTSBURGH– The entire city of Pittsburgh is under lockdown after it was revealed that Pirates manager Clint Hurdle has an infectious case of passion. According to sources, he developed this condition after leaving his post as manager of the Colorado Rockies, where he mostly floundered with indifference for years, occasionally flirting with mild excitement, but never developing the full-blown passion condition. It is not known at this time where Hurdle acquired his passion, although rumor is that Andrew McCutchen may be a carrier.

State law requires all Pittsburgh residents to have received the passion vaccine, which protects against most strains of the illness. The passion vaccine involves living in Pittsburgh for any amount of time.

In the US, approximately 800 to 1,500 people are infected with passion and 120 die from the disease per year. About one of every five survivors lives with permanent disabilities, such as euphoria, inertia, laughter, and psychological problems. Even in cases where treatment has been given, the fatality rate is around 15%.

If you have close contact with Clint Hurdle, see your doctor for prophylactic antibiotics.

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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Pirates Hurdles
Pirates Hurdles
2 years 7 months ago

But how does the vaccine impact you ability to watch the Pittsburgh Passion?

John Elway
2 years 7 months ago

Hurdle’s still managing?

Back in his Colorado days, he looked finished. Thought they’d put him out to pasture. Maybe even (hate to type the damn words) ship him off to the glue factory.