SyFy Movie Idea: Title Needed.


Scene: Alex Rodriguez speeds up the Amazon River on an airboat, trying frantically to outrun the MLB investigators that are right behind him. He turns, and shoots his gun, barely missing his pursuers. One of the investigators, probably played by Bruce Campbell, takes steady aim and fires a shot that severs A-Rod’s fuel line, causing his airboat to catch fire. Rodriguez jumps into the Amazon just before an explosion rocks his airboat. He is fished out of the water by Campbell.

Campbell: Gotcha, A-Rod. This is your third strike, and you’re out.

Campbell knocks Rodriguez unconscious with a single punch. A-rod is cuffed to the MLB investigators’ airboat. The camera zooms in on A-Rod’s boat sinking, and on several barrels riddled with bullet holes marked HGH, as they slowly, ominously, slip under the waves.

One week later, giant piranhas, anacondas, and crocodiles begin wreaking havoc on local fishermen. A brilliant wildlife expert, probably played by Amanda Bynes, puts two and two together, and meets with Bruce Campbell to tell him that A-Rod’s HGH did something to the river. Campbell and Bynes have to visit A-Rod in MLB jail.

Campbell: Listen up Lame-Rod! You’ve got one chance to help yourself, and that’s to cooperate.

Bynes: We have to know what was in those barrels. Everything in the river is growing and if we don’t reverse the effects, pretty soon the problem will spread worldwide.

A-Rod: Sure, I’ll help. But only on two conditions. You let me out of here. And I’m coming with you.

Campbell: You’re crazy if you think you’re getting out of there, A-Rod.

Bynes: Bruce, we need him.

Campbell: Fine, but one wrong step and I’ll come up and in on you, Rodriguez…with a bullet.

A-Rod: Don’t worry, Bruce. You can always count on me in the clutch.

Then the three embark on a quest to stop the rampaging animals. A-Rod hits a few with his bat. Eventually, he betrays Bynes and Campbell, steals some of the HGH for himself and begins to grow too. Bynes formulates an antidote to reverse the effects.

Campbell: Hey Alex, game over.

Campbell shoots a dart filled with the antidote into a giant A-Rod, while Bynes dumps it into the river. A-Rod keeps shrinking away until he’s eventually the size of a single-celled organism, and he’s eaten by an amoeba. Bynes and Campbell kiss. Ryan Braun looks on from the opposite shore, recovering a single barrel of HGH, setting up the sequel.

This movie needs a title because I’m not funny enough to think of one. Please provide suggestions below.

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Mike Bates used to have a stupid pseudonym. Now he doesn't because people want to pay him to write about baseball on the Internet and he's really a sell out that way. He is also a Designated Columnist at SBNation, co-founder of The Platoon Advantage, and is an American Carpetbagger on Getting Blanked, the finest in Canadian baseball-type sites. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter here:

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Jungle Juiced

Brian S
Brian S

This wins.


Soundtrack by GnR.