Jeremy Blachman’s 10 Bold Predictions

I felt left out of all the fun they’re having on RotoGraphs.

1. The Nationals will break 1.000 this season, winning more games than they play. Led by Bryce Harper’s 74 home runs and 75 ejections, and Stephen Strasburg destroying every ligament in his body on the way to a 200-K season, the Nats will be the surprise winners of all six NL wild card spots, and go on to victory in the World Series.

2. Giancarlo (Mike) Stanton will change his name again, this time to Elizabeth Cady Stanton, and will donate $1,000 after every home run to supporting the fight for women’s suffrage.

3. Yu Darvish will set a career high in U.S. Games Played.

4. Wade Davis will step up to be the best pitcher in the Rays’ rotation, making people forget about David Price, Matt Moore, and Jeremy Hellickson. Unfortunately, Davis’s season will end a month early, after he is arrested for the murders of David Price, Matt Moore, and Jeremy Hellickson.

5. Manny Ramirez: A’s Designated Hitter and Republican nominee for President. Just saying.

6. Adam Dunn will hit 40 home runs, for the Newark Bears (who seem to no longer be in the Atlantic League, but rather the Canadian-American Association of Professional Baseball).

7. Miguel Cabrera will play four games at third base before finding himself benched in favor of Brandon Inge. Inge will hit 45 home runs and win the American League MVP Award. Cabrera will never be heard from again.

8. The Mariners will hit under .200 as a team, with 4 total home runs.

9. NotGraphs will finally overtake Community Research in the Battle for FanGraphs dominance. The site will crash on June 23rd, when twelve baseball players simultaneously grow mustaches, adopt nicknames, and post stupid nonsense on Twitter.

10. Exactly one of these predictions will come true, even though the existence of this prediction makes that impossible.




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


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Resolution
Guest
Resolution
4 years 3 months ago

Bravo

Joe
Guest
Joe
4 years 3 months ago

Those numbers for the M’s seem slightly high

Logicman!
Guest
Logicman!
4 years 3 months ago

Unless it’s the tenth prediction itself that’s the only one that comes true!

Aaron Webber
Guest
Aaron Webber
4 years 3 months ago

But what if exactly one other prediction comes true? Then the tenth prediction will be true only if it is also not true.

Kyle H
Member
Kyle H
4 years 3 months ago
Jack
Guest
Jack
4 years 3 months ago

I think that the Mariners will actually bat .400 as a team, if you add up their averages.

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman
4 years 3 months ago

Bravo.

Oliver
Guest
Oliver
4 years 3 months ago

Manny Ramirez actually seems an imminently reasonable choice, given the current options the Republicans have available. At least they’ll get one Latino vote, assuming Manny votes for himself.

Jamie
Guest
Jamie
4 years 3 months ago

Pretty sure Manny will vote for himself whether or not he is on the ballot.

Lenard
Member
Member
Lenard
4 years 3 months ago

Pretty sure Manny would accidentally vote for another candidate.

JRM
Guest
JRM
4 years 3 months ago

I should have seen the punchline coming, but the Wade Davis thing cracked me up.

SAmmy
Guest
4 years 3 months ago

11) Yoenis Cespedes is not his real name and he often gives ladies fake phone numbers.

asdfasdf
Guest
asdfasdf
4 years 3 months ago

This made me giggle.

However, I’m pretty sure James Shields is better than Davis, unless you just forgot to write him in the list of people that Davis murdered.

Also, I think Chone Figgins alone will hit about 27 HRs, so the Mariners prediction is clearly impossible.

Nu? Billy Baroo
Guest
Nu? Billy Baroo
4 years 3 months ago

well done.

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman
4 years 3 months ago

Secret embedded prediction: the NL having six wild card teams. Made me laugh.

cj
Guest
cj
4 years 3 months ago

i always appreciate a good women’s suffrage joke

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