I felt left out of all the fun they’re having on RotoGraphs.
1. The Nationals will break 1.000 this season, winning more games than they play. Led by Bryce Harper’s 74 home runs and 75 ejections, and Stephen Strasburg destroying every ligament in his body on the way to a 200-K season, the Nats will be the surprise winners of all six NL wild card spots, and go on to victory in the World Series.
2. Giancarlo (Mike) Stanton will change his name again, this time to Elizabeth Cady Stanton, and will donate $1,000 after every home run to supporting the fight for women’s suffrage.
3. Yu Darvish will set a career high in U.S. Games Played.
4. Wade Davis will step up to be the best pitcher in the Rays’ rotation, making people forget about David Price, Matt Moore, and Jeremy Hellickson. Unfortunately, Davis’s season will end a month early, after he is arrested for the murders of David Price, Matt Moore, and Jeremy Hellickson.
5. Manny Ramirez: A’s Designated Hitter and Republican nominee for President. Just saying.
6. Adam Dunn will hit 40 home runs, for the Newark Bears (who seem to no longer be in the Atlantic League, but rather the Canadian-American Association of Professional Baseball).
7. Miguel Cabrera will play four games at third base before finding himself benched in favor of Brandon Inge. Inge will hit 45 home runs and win the American League MVP Award. Cabrera will never be heard from again.
8. The Mariners will hit under .200 as a team, with 4 total home runs.
9. NotGraphs will finally overtake Community Research in the Battle for FanGraphs dominance. The site will crash on June 23rd, when twelve baseball players simultaneously grow mustaches, adopt nicknames, and post stupid nonsense on Twitter.
10. Exactly one of these predictions will come true, even though the existence of this prediction makes that impossible.