Ten Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Jose Abreu


In a recent summer stock production, he starred as North America.

He once offered to un-lean the Tower of Pisa. (Italy refused the offer.)

Along with various dams, highways and cities, he is one of the few manmade objects visible from space, unless he is in the restroom.

He once won a Havana competitive eating contest by downing 52,673 of Fidel Castro’s lightly seasoned ear hairs.

During the recent NATO summit, he achieved nation status.

He once quelled civil unrest by stepping outside to get the morning paper.

He appeared as Calabasas Grande in Jorge A. Romero’s 2010 horror classic, Pesadilla en la Calle de Verduras, or “Nightmare on Vegetable Street.”

He once launched a communications satellite with one swing of the bat. Also, he once missed a separate satellite with three swings of the bat.

On the third Wednesday of every month, a team of window washers from the Willis Tower (formerly the Sears Tower) scrubs behind his ears. He likes it.

He once was mistaken for Adam Dunn, by a person who isn’t very smart. He was also once mistaken for Alexei Ramirez, by a person who isn’t very smarter.

*Bonus thing you probably didn’t know: He has never gone berry-picking with me.

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John, who has also written under the pseudonym "Azure Texan," writes for both The Hardball Times and NotGraphs.

6 Responses to “Ten Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Jose Abreu”

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  1. Chaco Chicken says:

    I feel like Jose would make time for some berries.

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  2. BenRevereDoesSteroids says:

    I unwittingly fed him about 12 gallons of milk over a 2-3 month period because he was standing in place of my refrigerator and I couldn’t see past his, quite frankly, Oscar worthy performance.

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  3. asdf says:

    This feels like a “Most Interesting Man in the World” commercial by Dos Equis. I can see it “He once quelled civil unrest by stepping outside to get the morning paper”. It would work.

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    • Paul G. says:

      I dunno. Can the world have two “most interesting men in the world”? Sounds like a Thunderdome scenario or at least a drinking contest.

      Maybe the Dos Equis guy is franchising. He gets to be the “world” guy but other people get to be most interesting for various niches. Though I would think Jose Abreu would have to wait for Derek Jeter to retire before officially taking up the mantle.

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  4. Frank says:

    You two haven’t been berry-picking together? Well shit, now I have to re-write my NotGraphs/White Sox crossover fanfic.

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  5. The guys who write Family Guy cut-aways says:

    How about sending your resume, John?

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