One Thing You Probably Already Knew About Jose Altuve

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Jose Altuve is awesome.

That is all.



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John, who has also written under the pseudonym "Azure Texan," writes for both The Hardball Times and NotGraphs.


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mike Martino
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mike Martino

stupid

Phillies' Front Office
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Phillies' Front Office

This is… just really mean. Like qualifying offers, vesting options, or the value of Ryan Howard, I’ve never understood why it’s just okay to dehumanize and deride someone for being short. This made me kind of sad.

Kris
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Kris

I do not think we have IHOP in Canada and my understanding of this place is based largely on commercials from Fox 29 out of Erie, Pennsylvania. But, sitting at an IHOP for three hours eating seems quite impressive, no?

One could probably eat about 15-20 free pancakes during that time which has to be 200%-300% of the average and that’s not counting cherries and whip-cream and stuff.

Update: I consulted yahoo answers (canadian version) and it appears as though most people only eat 2-3 pancakes ( https://ca.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100212103120AAlzpaj ) except for one gentleman who once ate 343,000 pancakes.

Thanks, Comcast
Guest
Thanks, Comcast

That is a fascinating pancake and a conundrum of great incontinence, a phenomenon of the first rarity.

Bartolo Colon
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Bartolo Colon

Fat chance of getting anyone, even a little squirt like Altuve, to hold themselves back to 15-20 pancakes when they are FREE!

(And if the pancakes are free, I increase my tip to 25 per cent as my way to say thanks)

FreeJurickson
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FreeJurickson

No IHOPs in Canada? I thought it was the INTERNATIONAL House of Pancakes?

Does IHOP not recognize the sovereignty of Canada?

a eskpert
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a eskpert

We have IHOP in Canada. Also, sitting in IHOP for three hours is unimpressive. Nor is eating.
Respectfully, a very large individual.

Kris
Guest
Kris

I searched google maps for the nearest IHOP and it was 3 hours away from Canada’s biggest and most important city. As this article proclaims: Size matters, fuck all y’all.

Google Maps also told me Toronto was under a severe weather alert, which saved me getting caught in the rain earlier.

it was basically a win/win

Jenstrom
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Jenstrom

Short guys often have big dicks.
So there.
Go Altuve!

#KeepNotGraphs

sgtjunior
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Member
sgtjunior

or is it an optical illusion because their legs are shorter?

DerekJeterGiftBasket
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DerekJeterGiftBasket

Darn it, I wanted this article in Jewish humor style. (“How short is he??”)

Thanks, Comcast
Guest
Thanks, Comcast

I’d prefer it in Pootie Tang style, where it ends with: “and you know what else? He’s short, too”.

Jose Altuve
Guest
Jose Altuve

All these long comments. Must be overcompensating for something.

Antonio Bananas
Guest

John shouldn’t feel bad for writing this. I’m sure some of his best friends are short.

david
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david

i’m most surprised that nate freiman made it to second base allowing for such a photo-op.

james
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james

Ruben amaro Jr might be an idiot.. wasn’t he recently quoted as not knowing the difference between an at bat and a plate appearance?

Blootzkloof
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Blootzkloof

Hahahaha another “let’s make fun of Jose Altuve’s height” article. The peak of originality. The guy leads the league in Hits, Stolen Bases, and Batting Average, yet the only thing you talk about is his ******* height. First of all, he is five foot five, less than five inches than the American average, he’s not ******* Frodo for g-d’s sake! Second of all, it’s not like you can control your height, it’s something you’re born with, some people are gonna be shorter than others, and it is NOT okay to joke about someone’s height. Jose is not the number on the height measurement chart, he is not a number on his driver’s license, what he is is a very good second baseman in the major leagues. Now please stop acting like a bunch of seventh graders and grow the **** up

Blootzkloof
Guest
Blootzkloof

Okay man, reading your other comments you actually do seem like a nice person. My mistake for getting heated up so fast. Comedy can be a cruel animal, many famous comedians like Louis CK and George Carlin had their share of swings and misses.

stephen
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stephen

Somehow in this whole conversational turmoil the fact that José Altuve is wonderful got obscured.

Why do we get so engrossed in arguing about things? Why are people writing anonymous posts online always so angry?

Why can’t we just feel blessed to have people like Altuve, and so many other beautiful people, in our lives?

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