That Time the 2005 White Sox Were on the Price is Right

whitesoxisright

“Dad, tell me one more.”

“No, sweetie. It’s time for bed.”

“Just one more! Please! Tell me the one about the White Sox on The Price is Right.”

“It’s already past your bed time.”

“Plllleeeeeeeease.”

“OK. But then it’s lights out.”

“I promise.”


“A long time ago, back when you were just a baby fresh out of your mommy’s tummy, the White Sox had just won the World Series.”

“They beat the Astroturfs!”

“Close, Pumpkin. It was the Astros. Anyway, they had just beaten the Astros and won the World Series. Chicago was going crazy. People were yelling and dancing in the streets. Cars were honking their horns all over the place. Remember your uncle Pete? The one Mommy doesn’t let you see anymore? Well, he was so happy that he partied way too long and crashed his truck into an apartment building, and they took his drivers license away. Everybody was having a great time. The White Sox were heroes! So, after the parade, some of the White Sox went to California to relax and celebrate some more. They deserved a vacation. While they were in Los Angeles, they decided to go watch some game shows. Ballplayers love game shows. They watch them in the clubhouse all the time. And they wanted to see one in person. So, on their last day, they stood in line to watch The Price is Right. And wouldn’t you know it? When the show started, the announcer started calling their names. Mark Buehrle, come on down! Paul Konerko, come on down! Jermaine Dye, come on down! Ozzie Guillen, come on down! You’re the next contestants on The Price is Right!”

“They must have been so excited!”

“They were, Button. They were pumping their fists and high-fiving everyone. And they were even more excited when they won their bids and got on stage. Paul hugged Bob Barker so hard I thought he was gonna suffocate!”

“Who’s Bob Barker, dad?”

“He was the old host of the show. He was kind of a pervy dude, but he had a nice smile, so people liked him.”

“Like Drew Carey!”

“Kinda, but he was way older and had this obsession with pets making babies. Anyway, one by one, all the White Sox players got on stage. Mark won his game of Cliffhangers. Paulie lost on Master Key, but Jermaine won his game of Punch a Bunch. He was so strong, he almost broke the board!”

“What about Ozzie?”

“Well, dear, Ozzie had a bit of trouble with Plinko, and he used so many bad words that they had to cut his segment and played extra commercials. They didn’t even let him spin the wheel.”

“Then what happened?”

“Well, Jermaine spun 95 cents, so he got to go to the Showcase. He played against some regular person named Carol, I think. But fate was smiling on Jermaine that day, Honey. He guessed a really good price for his showcase. He guessed so well, that he was close enough to win BOTH SHOWCASES!”

“How close was he?”

“Would you believe it? He only missed the total by $31, the exact number of home runs he hit that year.”

“NO WAY!”

“WAY! So he won everything. The speed boat, the dining set, the tennis bracelet, and …”

“A NEW CAR!”

“That’s right, Sweetie. He won a brand new Cadillac. It was a great day.”

“Where are all of them now, Dad?”

“Well, Jermaine retired. He won’t make the Hall of Fame, but he was a great player. Mark plays in Canada now, and Paul is still playing here in Chicago, of course.”

“What about Ozzie?”

“Well, Ozzie got in a lot of fights with his boss, so he eventually got fired after a while. Then he got to manage in Florida, but said some things about a leader in another country who was a pretty mean guy. The people in Florida didn’t like it. He didn’t win as much as people expected, either, so he got fired again. He shows up on TV now and then, but he doesn’t manage any more.”

“Well, it’s still a great story.”

“It sure is. Good night, Sweetie. Oh, and hey — don’t tell your mom I told you about Uncle Pete, OK?”

“Sure, Dad. Night. I love you.”

“I love you too, Darling.”




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David G. Temple is the Managing Editor of TechGraphs and a contributor to FanGraphs, NotGraphs and The Hardball Times. He hosts the award-eligible podcast Stealing Home. Dayn Perry once called him a "Bible Made of Lasers." Follow him on Twitter @davidgtemple.


4 Responses to “That Time the 2005 White Sox Were on the Price is Right”

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  1. steex says:

    You brightened the day of this White Sox fan, Mr. Temple. Well done.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Resolution says:

    This is excellent.

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  3. MikeS says:

    I look forward to the prequel to this story, detailing Uncle Pete’s exploits.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Antonio Bananas says:

    Resell it, but this time have Hawk Harrelson as the father. Or have Hawk hosting the price is right as a special guest.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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