The 25 Best “Onion” Baseball Articles of All-Ever

In the vital interests of your fleeting amusement, I’ve done the Lord’s work of going through “The Onion” archives to find the 25 greatest Onion baseball articles in the history of ever.

It is of course possible that you will disagree with my authoritative decisions, but you should know that my opinions are actually facts with large muscles. So instead blame the divining powers of the The Onion’s search function or the immutable laws of this, our grim human existence.

After the jump, the rankings, which I assembled for you at great personal hazard …

25. March 23, 2006: “Injury-Free U.S. Team Deems World Baseball Classic ‘A Complete Success’“

Rib-tickling excerpt: “‘There is an amazing sense of accomplishment among these healthy, injury-free players. Wearing this uniform, and not getting hurt while inside of it, will be something these players are going to remember for the rest of the regular season,’ said Team USA manager Buck Martinez while helping each player navigate an awkward step up into the clubhouse.”

24. June 19, 2009: “Milton Bradley To Give Every Second Out Ball To Fans So He Doesn’t Look Like An Idiot“

Rib-tickling excerpt: “‘Um, giving fans baseballs with two outs and runners on base is something I’ve always wanted to start doing,’ Bradley told reporters after Wednesday’s game against the White Sox, during which he cost the Cubs at least three runs.”

23. October 2, 2008: “God Savoring Vast Array Of Cubs-Cursing Options“

Rib-tickling excerpt: “‘My prophet Steve Bartman will certainly be a tough act to follow, but trust Me: Anything can happen. And let’s just say that for the centennial celebration, it will be huge.’ When asked about His plans for mankind, God said He would ‘probably’ allow our free will to decide the issue.”

22. October 12, 2006: “George Steinbrenner Fires Tigers“

Rib-tickling excerpt: “Steinbrenner was especially critical of Tigers manager Jim Leyland, whom he claims was primarily responsible for the Yankees’ ineffective postseason. A poll conducted after the ALDS echoes Steinbrenner’s sentiments, as an overwhelming 100 percent of Yankee fans say they do not support Jim Leyland, and nearly zero percent say they would be disappointed if Leyland were fired from his current managerial post.”

21. April 26, 2007: “David Eckstein Hints To Parents That He Wants Birthday Cake Designed Like Hamburger“

Rib-tickling excerpt: “‘Wow! Isn’t that so crazy, how that cake looks just like a hamburger even though it’s a cake, Mom? It’s so cool!’ Eckstein said of the cake, which features a ‘bun’ crafted from chocolate frosting and ‘sesame seeds’ of white-chocolate sprinkles. ‘Boy, I bet that cool hamburger cake would make someone’s birthday really extra-special.'”

20. August 10, 2006: “Ozzie Guillen Fined $10,000 For What He Just Thought“

Rib-tickling excerpt: “‘Am I going to have to explain everything I think from now on?” Guillen asked reporters. ‘Do I really need to tell you people that I don’t actually want fuel truck after fuel truck to plow into an orphanage? That I don’t really want to feed baby rats to [White Sox pitcher] Jon Garland so they chew their way through his intestinal system and expel themselves out his rectum in unison? That I actually love and respect my wife? Can’t you people figure this out on your own? I’m not that bad a guy.'”

19. March 1, 2007: “Excited Red Sox Fans Eagerly Await Debut Of Matsuzaka’s ‘Ultimate Galactic Dragon Gyroball Pitch Power Explosion’“

Rib-tickling excerpt: “‘Daisuke is the pitching master!’ said Boston Globe baseball columnist Bob Ryan, hopping from one foot to the other as he described videotape footage of Matsuzaka’s otherworldly pitching power and control banishing a flock of evil, conniving, left-handed-batting carp-spirits to the netherworld during a 2003 Seibu Lions game. ‘His Ultimate Galactic Dragon Gyroball Pitch Power Explosion breaks three feet inside before cutting sharply toward the dugout, where falsehood and cowardice are forced to shrink before it!'”

18. January 12, 2006: “Pete Rose Caught Trying To Get Inducted Into Hall Of Fame Under Assumed Name“

Rib-tickling excerpt: “—The Baseball Writers Association of America announced that the ‘former Cincinnati Reds superstar’ and ‘quiet, unassuming model citizen’ by the name of ‘Pat Rosenburg,’ whose career statistics merited Hall of Fame consideration, was revealed by investigators to be a desperate, mustachioed, glasses-wearing Pete Rose.”

17. February 8, 2011: “How The Orioles Decided To Become Half Baseball Team, Half Industrial Slaughterhouse“

Rib-tickling excerpt: “J.J. Hardy: shortstop, shaver

Brought in to shore up the O’s complete inability to get a cow and sheep properly shorn: the O’s led the league in most gristle and hair per cubic foot of meat. Hardy takes pride in the wide range of animals he can shave.”

16. July 19, 2007: “Joe DiMaggio’s Diary Just A List Of Things, People He Hated“

Rib-tickling excerpt: “‘Jukeboxes, dollar stores, Paul Simon, Washington, D.C., speaking, Garth Brooks, myself, and automobiles. Also sore throats, Yogi Berra, films, Lee Iacocca, coffeemakers, anyone who has ever referred to me as ‘Joltin’,’ sandals, baseball,’ read the entry dated July 14, 1992.”

15. April 16, 2009: “Mr. Met Having Trouble Sleeping In New Home“

Rib-tickling excerpt: “Explaining that Mr. Met’s usual fun-loving antics have taken a dark turn lately, Jose Reyes recalled how the mascot pushed an eight-year-old fan to the ground last week and flipped off Luis Castillo after he struck out on Opening Day. In addition, Reyes said he has seen Mr. Met take out his T-shirt gun, place it in his mouth, and repeatedly squeeze the trigger.”

14. August 11, 2009: “Umpire Disgusted By Catcher, Batter Flirting With Each Other“

Rib-tickling excerpt: “‘Get a room,’ said Holbrook, who imitated the players with cartoonishly high-pitched voices and then pretended to vomit. ‘At one point, [Sizemore] called a time-out so he could stare into [Mauer’s] eyes. That’s not baseball. Plus, it’s just plain gross.'”

13. March 20, 2008: “Yankees To Build Stadiums In Every MLB City For Away Games“

Rib-tickling excerpt: “The Yankees also plan to build Yankee Stadiums in every single international city just in case Major League Baseball ever decides to hold their season opener there.”

12. February 22, 2007: “Manny Ramirez Has Weirdest Feeling He Should Be Somewhere While Watching Spring Training“

Rib-tickling excerpt: “According to Ramirez’s wife, her husband then looked at the calendar on the wall, frowned, and continued to watch television while idly popping an old ball into his baseball glove.”

11. March 24, 2004: “Nostalgia Prompts Return Of Negro Baseball Leagues“

Rib-ticking excerpt: “‘Hell, no,’ said five-time All-Star Albert Belle, who was told to report for practice with the Tampa Bay Afro-Marlins next Wednesday. ‘Didn’t we already go through this shit? No way I’m gonna be anyone’s sepia-toned memory.'”

10. July 9, 2009: “Baseball Fans Delighted By New Between-Innings F*ck-Cams“

Rib-tickling excerpt: “And a montage of legendary F*ck-Cam performances is one of the most viewed clips on YouTube, featuring such great F*ck-Cam moments as the man who hasn’t realized his partner has fallen asleep; a would-be suitor who goes down on one knee, produces a ring, and is flatly denied; an overweight couple who is booed off the JumboTron by the crowd; and a good-natured if somewhat clumsy performance by the Fox Sports broadcast team of Joe Buck and Tim McCarver.”

9. February 21, 2008: “Yankees To Play Exhibition Game Against The Media“

Rib-tickling excerpt: “‘No doubt about it, the New York media is tough,’ Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter said. ‘[New York Post columnist Mike] Vaccaro’s got a nasty splitter that dives away from right-handed hitters, [WFAN radio host] Chris ‘Mad Dog’ Russo can wreak havoc on the basepaths, and [New York Daily News writer] Mike Lupica is just a gigantic asshole. But we’ve got a good team, too.'”

8. October 23, 2008: “Double-Booked Tropicana Field Holds First Haunted House World Series“

Rib-tickling excerpt: “Howard wasn’t the only player whose on-field performance was affected. Rays left fielder Carl Crawford repeatedly tripped over the many blood-drenched rubber hands emerging from the outfield turf. Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels mistakenly picked up a handful of spaghetti-textured human entrails instead of his rosin bag. And after entering the Bloodcurdling Clubhouse and witnessing a machete-wielding, hockey-masked Willy Aybar chopping off what he thought were Scott Kazmir’s real legs, Rays shortstop Jason Bartlett suffered a massive coronary.”

7. April 20, 2006: “283 Children Killed In Minor League Baseball Team’s ‘Kill Your Children’ Promotion“

Rib-tickling excerpt: “Front-office officials for the popular minor-league St. Paul Saints baseball team called their decision to name Monday ‘Kill Your Children Night’ an ‘egregious mistake’ and ‘a rousing attendance success’ after Twin Cities families took advantage of the team’s offer to take $5 off adult ticket prices for every child they kill in the parking lot.”

6. August 20, 2009: “Mets Retaliate For David Wright Beaning By Murdering Pablo Sandoval“

Rib-tickling excerpt: “‘Hey, it’s just part of the game,’ blood-soaked pitcher Mike Pelfrey said at an evening press conference. ‘If your pitcher is going to hit one of our guys, we’re going to react. And we’ll do that by cornering one of your guys in a dark parking lot at night, slamming his head into a car door, thrusting knives repeatedly into his chest and stomach, and leaving him there to bleed in silence until he’s found dead the next morning. That’s baseball.'”

5. July 20, 2006: “Brett Myers Atones For Punching Wife With Solid Seven-Inning Outing“

Rib-tickling excerpt: “‘When you let your emotions get the best of you and make a silly error like Brett did when he repeatedly struck his wife in the face, the only way to atone for it is to get right back on the baseball field, put that past performance behind you, and pitch deep into an important game while maintaining consistent velocity and pinpoint control,’ manager Charlie Manuel said.”

4. February 12, 2009: “A-Rod Dead at 33“

Rib-tickling excerpt: “‘I’m sure he’s in a better place,’ Girardi continued. ‘Then again, probably not.'”

3. June 15, 2006: “Home Depot Criticized For Pledging $10 Billion To American Cancer Society For Every Padres Home Run“

Rib-tickling excerpt: “‘This outrageous offer of ‘charity’ is a slap in the face to our organization,’ said Jay Czarnecki, a spokesman for the ACS. ‘Having your donation depend upon a San Diego player hitting a baseball over 300 feet through the air is not only placing unfair and unrealistic expectations on the Padres, but is equivalent to telling everyone who has cancer to go off and die.'”

2. August 2, 2000: “In My Day, Ballplayers Were For Sh*t“

Rib-tickling excerpt: “I swear, it took every ounce of strength I had to keep me from standing up, walking over to that kid, and totally agreeing with him. Of course Piazza’s the best! The old catchers blew! And so did the pitchers! And rightfielders, too! They all stunk! Buncha slow, fat, selfish, mean whiteys. I tell ya, they didn’t used to make ’em like they do now.”

1. July 24, 2008: “C.C. Sabathia, Prince Fielder Keep Imagining Each Other As Giant Talking Hot Dog, Hamburger“

Rib-tickling excerpt: “‘Usually, the other players step in before one of them takes a bite out of the other,’ said Brewers reliever David Riske. ‘But the whole thing is pretty unsettling. Sabathia and I were getting our arms rubbed the other day, just kind of stretching them out across the massage table, when suddenly an empty jar of relish rolled by. I looked up, and Prince had put a huge hot dog bun and all the trimmings on Sabathia’s arm when he wasn’t paying attention. C.C. pulled himself out at the last minute, but when Prince’s teeth came together, it made a chomping sound you could hear throughout the clubhouse.'”