The ALEX RIOShootthat’sagiantpastramisandwich

Building on yesterday’s post about Hopeless Joe’s Shake Shack Adventure, this post was originally going to be about baseball’s longest hot dogs, perhaps a ranking of them. But it turns out that there is not much of a contest. It’s the 24-inch-long BOOMSTICK down in Texas — originally a tribute to Nelson Cruz, but it became so popular that they kept it even after Cruz was gone. (And the stadium’s concessionaire has brought it to other ballparks for trial runs.) It has even inspired a whole 24-inch-themed concession stand in the ballpark, where the Rangers have offered obscenely unhealthy items like the Murphadilla (after David Murphy), a 24-inch quesadilla, the Rossome Nacho (after Robbie Ross), a BOOMSTICK topped with nacho ingredients, and the Beltre Buster, a 2800-calorie, 1-pound hamburger.

This year, they introduced the Choomongous, a two-foot-long Korean barbecue sandwich.

Clearly, the Rangers believe that their stadium seats are well-constructed and will not collapse under the weight of their fans.

I propose a few new Rangers-player-themed concessions to add to the menu:

1. The ALEX RIOShootthat’sagiantpastramisandwich, a two-foot-long pastrami sandwich topped with mustard, sauerkraut, nachos, and sixteen crumbled up chocolate chip cookies.

2. The DAR-Fish Taco, a 24-inch fish taco, filled with an entire striped bass, two heads of cabbage (shredded), a field of radishes, and four pounds of vanilla soft-serve crema.

3. The Elvis (Andrus), a sandwich made of 24 bananas and thirteen pounds of peanut butter, served between two “records” made of chocolate Oreo cookies, and topped with a game-used home plate dipped in caramel.

4. The Prince Veal-der, a 24-inch veal parmesan hero, accompanied by a bucket of pasta and a wheelbarrow filled with extra tomato sauce for dipping.

5. The Colby Lewis, a gigantic grilled (colby) cheese sandwich, Scott Baker-ed in the oven until all melty.

6. The Mitch More, More, Moreland-and-sea, where two 24-ounce steaks serve as the “buns” for a lobster roll, made from two pounds of lobster meat, four fields worth of celery, and a Costco-sized jar of mayonnaise.

7. The Ron WashingTON-OF-FOOD, a garbage pail filled with whatever leftovers the stadium kitchens have on a given day, pulverized in a blender, and served with a straw (whipped cream topping optional).

Any others?




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


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John Paschal
Member

Tanner Scheppers Pie: a layer of arm meat topped with mashed ulnar collateral ligaments and served atop a herniated disk. Cheese optional.

novaether
Member
novaether

The “Rougned Eggs Odor Easy”: A slightly more raw, yet less runny replacement to the “Jurickson Eggs prOFAR Easy”.

Double J
Guest
Double J

The Geovanny Ice-Cream Soda. 48 oz of seltzer plus half gallon of chocolate ice cream plus half gallon of vanilla ice-cream top with a plenty of syrup and whip cream and a meniscus-shaped cookie.

Kurtz
Guest
Kurtz

Beef Kouzmanoff: A cheap mixture of beef, mushrooms and gravy piled over a heap of noodles that taste marginally better than you thought they would.

Dang
Guest
Dang

Ryan How-urdecken – A turducken sandwich that everyone agrees is “way too much”

Schwartz
Guest

Darin Mastromboli: Baked penis on pumpernickel with a side of pear chutney.

Person
Guest
Person

Canned Luis Sardinas

Person
Guest
Person

The Leonys Martini- 24 gallons of pure alcohol in a giant glass made entirely of hamburger meat with 2 Cuban Sandwiches floating in it

Frank
Guest
Frank

The Joakim S’Moria – 2 24 inch graham crackers, one of those ridiculous beach towel sized sized gigantic hershey’s bars, and a gallon jar of Fluff.

Optional*: Bag of peanut shells leftover from past games can be delivered to your seat and set blaze in the aisle, this option also swaps out the Fluff for a bag of gigantic marshmallows. Roast and assemble at your own seat.

*24 hour notice required.

Anal Hershiser
Guest
Anal Hershiser

*served with a straw

Well played

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